


Ritual Desire

by ValkyrieNeedsFood



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Camping, Consensual Sex, Cullen Smut, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fade Shenanigans, Fade Tongue, Jealous Solas, Love Triangles, Ritual Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-11-30 03:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11455341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieNeedsFood/pseuds/ValkyrieNeedsFood
Summary: Ashara Lavellen has a lot on her mind as the new head of the Inquisition but her Commander is so distracting. She uses an old elven ritual to work through her desire but things go wrong when Solas interrupts her in the fade. Now she is bound to one man but still desires the other.This is my first work so please be kind.





	1. Prologue

Ashara Lavellan discovered the ritual many years ago. She had not been the first to the Keeper for long. It had been a beautiful spring day and all the apprentice hunters were out gathering herbs but she was stuck in the keeper’s aravel, sorting through scrolls. The work was tedious and Ashara found her thoughts wandering to the forest and focusing on one of the boys she fancied. She pulled at a stack of pages high on a shelf and they tumbled down, startling her out of the daydream. As she gathered the pages, she noticed a small chest under a desk. The container was covered in dust as if it had been ignored for many years. Curious, she pulled it free.

The pages inside the chest were unlike any of the other scrolls she had studied. Incomplete tonic recipes written mostly in ancient elvhenan with ingredients she had never seen before, glyphs and symbols with unknown purpose that seemed to be traced from crumbling ruins, and finally a ritual. It seemed to include a salve recipe to be applied to the body in an intricate pattern. The illustration page was torn and mostly missing. Next came an incantation in ancient elvhenan with words and phrases she did not recognize. Last was a physical ceremony involving exacting movements that reminded her somewhat of the dance-like motion she was learning in order to wield magic with her staff. The movements were illustrated beautifully in an old style. Two nude figures performed together and the ceremony seemed quite erotic. Ashara had never seen anything like it. Her face heated as she studied the pages. 

The light in the aravel had begun to dim and Ashara realized she had been studying the strange ritual for hours. The keeper would come to check on her progress soon and although no knowledge was forbidden to her, she didn’t want to be caught with these particular pages. She returned them to the chest and put everything back in its hidden spot. When the keeper finally came, she did not mention what she had found.

Occasionally she would revisit the ritual pages when she had learned some new words in ancient elvhenan or learned the purpose of a new herb she had never seen. She puzzled out bits and pieces of the meaning over time. It appeared to be either a summoning or some kind of prayer, but she could not say for what.

In the fall of her seventeenth year, the Lavellan clan spent four months camping with the Mahariel clan. The keepers’ first was only one year older than Ashara and the girls became fast friends. Ashara showed the older girl her forbidden ritual and she immediately demanded they try it. It took almost two week to gather what ingredients they could and find a secret place to perform the rite. They made the salve and guessed at the design on each other’s bodies. They carefully practiced the movements. Correcting touches became caresses. Chanted words dissolved into giggles and eventually sighs. The girls barely made it through half the ritual before they became too distracted to continue. 

The Mahariel clan parted ways with the Lavellan clan a few short weeks later. Although Ashara was sad to see her friend depart, the older girl left her with a gift. A copied scroll with the missing body design. It was similar to a vallesin, but to no god she had ever seen.

 

Ashara attempted the ritual again the next spring. One of the hunter boys had caught her eye. She became infatuated and could hardly concentrate on anything but how the touch of his hands must feel. She felt confident enough in his affection to suggest he assist her in an overnight camping trip to help with her research into the ancient ceremony. After seeing the illustrations, he readily agreed. Once again, the distraction of young bodies and heated looks derailed the rite. In the morning, Ashara noticed something curious. She awoke with her mind clear and free of distractions as if she had been meditating for days. Although she still felt affection for the young hunter, she no longer felt obsessed. She felt free. 

From then on she used the ritual as a way to clear her mind. She would prepare and perform the whole thing on her own. Although her dreams were intensely erotic the night after, in the morning, she would feel calm and clear. It was if her mind was recentered and her focus replenished. She didn’t tell anyone else about it but she continued her research, refining certain aspects and translating the text. As best she could tell, it was indeed a prayer to the ancient elvhenan gods. A supplication in which her jumbled thoughts were brought to order.


	2. Chapter 2

The gates of Skyhold were a welcome sight. The sky, a crisp blue behind the banners that waved cheerfully in the mountain breeze. It was a needed change from the grim and constant rain of the Fallow Mire. Ashara was glad she could rescue the soilders, the Inquisition needed the win after Haven, but if she never saw that foul place again, it would be too soon. As she entered the courtyard, an eager recruit approached her horse. It was a young man she had never seen before, his new armor shining in the sun. Ashara smiled at him as he took her reigns. So many new faces, she couldn't keep track of them anymore. Her companions, weary from the mission, parted ways. Dorian to a hot bath, Cassandra to clean her gear, and Cole…well, who knows where Cole gets off to.

“Inquisitor!” a cheerful voice called from across the courtyard. Scout Harding waved from the entrance of the tavern. 

“Join us.” she added with a smile. 

Ashara waved in return and made her way over. A drink before cleaning up sounded like a fine idea. 

Harding and a group of her fellow scouts crowded up to one of the tables. They were warm and welcoming and even bought Ashara her first ale but she could tell everyone was on their best behavior in front of the Inquisitor. When her drink was gone she thanked them and stood up to leave. As she made her way to the door, she noticed a lone figure in the corner, hunched over a pile of scrolls, an untouched tankard by his hand. One more ale wouldn’t hurt she decided. She got her drink and makes her way over.

“Tired of your office already Commander?” 

Cullen stood as she approached, his formality ingrained. “No, I’m afraid I’ve been evicted so repairs can be made” he replied with a smile, motioning to an empty chair. 

“I’m not interrupting, am I?” She asked, not wanting to impose.

“It is a welcome interruption Inquisitor. Please sit down.” His voice was friendly and warm. She was more pleased by his tone then she’d like to admit. 

He cleared away his paperwork as they sat down.

“How was the Fallow Mire?” he began, taking a drink of ale.

“Dreadful! Full of mud and undead and muddy undead.” She sighed dramatically. Cullen chuckled in response. 

“I’m sure Dorian was pleased.” he prompted.

“The man complained from the time we arrived in the mire until we parted ways in the courtyard. You think a necromancer would enjoy animated corpses more. I’m glad he was there though. He distracted from the constant stream of cold water running into my boots and down my back and into my gloves. It will take me a week just to dry out properly!” 

Cullen smiled as he sipped his ale.

“I’m glad to see the fortifications making progress.” She began.

For a moment Cullen frowned. “We set up as best we could in Haven but could never prepare for an archdemon…or whatever it was. With some warning, we might of…”

“We were all shaken by what happened.” 

“If Corypheus strikes again, we might not be able to withdraw.” his voice was tight, his eyes distant. “And I wouldn’t want to. We must be ready. ” 

His gaze focused on hers, amber colored and intense.

“We will not run from here Inquisitor.”

“How many were lost?” She whispered, her chest suddenly tight.

“Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse. Moral was low, but its improved greatly since you accepted the role of Inquisitor.”

“Everyone has so much faith in my leadership, I hope I’m ready.” She broke his gaze and looked down into her mug.

“You won’t have to carry the inquisition alone, although it must feel like it. We needed a leader and you have proven yourself.”

“Thank you Cullen.” She looked up and was caught by his eyes again. Her heart rate quickening. He had always been so encouraging and supportive. Ashsara admired him since they first met but he always held her at arms length, using formality to keep their friendship from developing into something more.

“Our escape from Haven, it was close. I’m relieved that you…that so many made it out.” She wanted to say more but she didn't want to spoil the fragile friendship they had developed.

“As am I.” He answered, his voice low.

For a moment, neither spoke. She swallowed the last of her ale and readied herself to leave, unsure of if she had said too much. 

Before she could stand, his hand darted out and gently touched hers, rooting her to her seat. 

“You stayed behind. You could have..” his jaw flexed and he was unable to finish the thought. “I will not allow the events of Haven to happen again. You have my word.” 

Time stood still. Her heart thudding in her chest, her cheeks flushed. Her body frozen by his touch, his gaze. 

A loud laugh across the tavern broke the spell. Cullen snatched his hand away. The flush on his face making it seem he was affected just as much as she was. 

“Thank you Cullen.” She whispered as she stood and left. 

She made her way to her quarters while replaying their conversation in her mind. She was still trying to puzzle out his intent while she relaxed in her bath. His honeyed voice echoed in her ears as she fell asleep. 

The next morning, the advisors met her for the debriefing on her mission. Twice, she caught herself staring at the scar on his lip instead of listening to his report. During a particularly boring report from Josephine on some noble or another, Ashara imagined him pressing himself to her back. He gently kissed her neck. His fingers slowly pulling the hem of her robes up as she leaned over the war table, markers scattering.

She snaped back to reality, a blush covering her face. She needed to focus. There would be a couple of weeks until she was deployed again. A simple request for a “meditation sabbatical” was all it took to arrange the time and privacy she needed to perform her ritual.

 

_______

 

The week seemed to drag but the day of her sabbatical finally arrived. Lelianna insisted she take a retinue of solders and three of the inner circle. Thinking of discretion, she picked The Iron Bull, Blackwall, and Solas. Bull would never judge her, Blackwall kept his cards close to his chest, and Solas was her friend. Actually, maybe mentor was a better word. She had flirted with him in Haven but he clearly didn’t think of her as anything but a da’len. Still, it was nice to be able to talk to another elven mage who had such a different perspective. His stories of traveling the fade were fascinating. 

The site she picked was a peaceful little valley halfway between Skyhold and the Hinterlands. Enough space so she could get away from the group and get some privacy but still feel safe. Their journey was unhurried and took most of the day. She was restless when they arrived and eager to get her preparations started. As the soldiers set up camp, she left the group with her supplies. She found a small clearing almost a mile away from the main camp. Her small tent going up with ease. The bonfire was set at the center of the space. She placed runes all around the camp to discourage wildlife and curious soldiers. As twilight fell, she disrobed and began.

The salve had a complex herbal smell. The dragonthorn giving if a musky undertone. She inhaled deeply before beginning to trace the complex design. Fingers tingling as she dipped them into the jar. She began on her face, using a mirror to be sure the placement was perfect. The silvery lines eclipsed her vallaslin. Tonight, she forsakes Mythal and pledges herself only to the heat of her own desire. Next, she traced the lines down her arms. In her mind, Cullen caressed her gently. The design continued on her feet then up to her thighs, twisting around her legs. The tingling salve set her skin aflame. Tingling pooled in her center. She traced the last of the lost vallaslin onto her stomach and up around her breast. 

She imagined the Commander’s gaze on her, hot with want and she began the chant. The dance was familiar and her body began the steps automatically. The heat from the bonfire was intense but her skin prickled with gooseflesh and her nipples hardened. Wisps gathered, attracted by the slow build of magic intensified by the anchor. Her hand glowed softly as she twirled and arched. The design on her skin taking on a faint glow as well. Ashara didn't notice. Her eyes closed as she imagined a partner in her ritual, his golden hair glowing by the firelight. Sweat beading on his bare chest as he bent into her, barely touching as they moved together. 

As the ritual magic began to build, so did the desire inside of her. It has never been so intense before, the anchor feeding the magic. Her body throbbed with want. Her mind conjured multiple lovers. Solas reaching for her with a hungry gaze and a knowing smile. Harding blushing as she closes her eyes for a kiss. Bull licking his lips in a dark promise. The magic swelled as her movements quickened. She could barely continue the chant as her breath came in pants. The anchor’s glow intensified and it began to snap with energy. The marks on her body glowed brighter as well. She reached the culmination of the ritual in a flourish of movement. As the magic peaked, the mark flashed and Ashara collapsed on the ground.


	3. Chapter 3

Solas was glad to have a small break from Skyhold that wasn’t a mission. He could explore a different part of the fade without the interruption of guard duty or a Venetori raid. As they packed their gear onto their mounts, the inquisitor seemed preoccupied. Her hands pausing in the middle of their task. Her gaze becoming distant for just a moment before catching herself and begining again. Although she wore gloves, he could see the faint glow of the anchor seeping from her palm. She never should have been the one shouldering this burden. If he had seen another way to unlock his orb…he should not have trusted the magister. 

Solas forced the familiar thoughts from his head. The past could not be changed. His regret must be borne alone. He would support her in whatever way he could as she cleaned up the mess he made. Right now, she obviously needed some time on her own. As she mounted her horse, the rest of the party followed. 

The journey was relaxed. Bull joked with the Blackwall and even coaxed a smile from the Inquisitor. They stopped to make camp in a small valley full of trees as the sun set. The inquisitor gathered her own supplies and left on foot, eager to be on her own. After she left, Bull made it very clear to the rest of the party that she was not to be disturbed. Solas ate with the group but was restless to be on his own as well. He had purposely set his tent up at the edge of camp. The rhythm of crickets and leaves rustling in the breeze lulled him easily to sleep. 

He could feel the magic as soon as he entered the fade. Something subtle, setting his nerves on edge. Curious spirits gathered but no demons. Not yet, at least. Solas wandered about, looking for the source. It was almost like a drum beating in the distance. He could not hear the sound, but he could feel it. As the magic swelled, the fade appeared brighter. The trees almost glowed and the moon appeared impossibly bright giving everything a surreal appearance. Wisps as thick as fireflies floated amongst the leaves. Suddenly, the magic crested and the intensity began to recede. Solas could smell smoke and see the glow of a fire through the trees. 

He approached the clearing quietly. Chanting filtered though the branches, a low, breathy voice he could not make out. The magic in the air began to swell again and his skin prickled. Vielfire burned at the center of the clearing. Two figures stood near it, swaying. The woman faced away from him. A curtain of dark hair flowed down her back as she stetched her arms out gracefully. Her skin was completely bare except for the markings twisting around her limbs. The lines glowed a faint green. A man faced her. As he mirrored the woman’s movements, Solas could see he was also nude but had no markings on his skin. The woman continued chanting and the two figures bowed and swayed, performing an intricate dance. Solas had seen similar rituals before but memories in the fade never called magic with this intensity. 

Their movements were fluid but precise, calling power to them. It was beautiful. They moved together like lovers, but never quite touching. The build of magic mimicking the build of passion. The woman was of elven build, small and slender but with an ample swell of breast and hip. The man appeared human, broad in the shoulder and muscular. His skin a pale counterpoint to her tan. The glow of her markings seemed to pulse as she chanted. 

They turned and Solas froze. It was the Inquisitor. Her eyes half lidded with desire. She extended her arms and he could see the glowing design swirled up her hips onto her torso and around her breasts. Tendrils reached up her neck onto her face. 

It was a vallesin in a design he recognized. It was his vallesin. No slave ever wore his markings but the Evanuris had gifted him with the pattern anyway. Against all better logic and reason all he could think was how beautiful it looked on her. 

He peered closer at her partner and realized it was not a man as he first believed but a spirit. The creature had taken the form of the Commander of the Inquisition. Solas felt a shock of jealousy at the thought that it must be taking the form Ashara most desired. The pace of their dancing increased as did the thrum of the magic. The rhythm pounding in Solas’ chest. His lips tingled. 

This was wrong. This was her private business and he had no right to spy, but he did not look away. 

The spirt slid his hand up her thigh and Ahsara’s chant was interrupted as she moaned softly. Before he could think, Solas found himself standing in the clearing a startled Inquisitor frozen in surprise. Her spirit partner frightened away.

“My apologies Inquisitor…I…um…felt the build up of magic and it drew me to this place.” he stuttered.

“Solas? Are you really here?” She took a step towards him. Trying to determine if he was a spirit or a demon out to trick her. 

“Indeed Ashara. I did not intend for my travels here to intrude on your own.” His voice was low, almost a whisper. She reached up and touched his check, verifying his solidity. 

His cheek burned at her touch. He leaned into her hand, hungry for more contact. She smiled. Her gaze suddenly sharp. 

“You frightened away my partner.” she purred. “Would you care to take his place?”

“We shouldn’t.” he whispered. “It isn’t right. Not even here.”

Her expression dropped. Confusion replacing desire. Her hand fell away as she stepped back.

The loss of contact was more then he could bear. His hand shot out and grabbed her. Pulling her close, his mouth crashing into hers for a hungry kiss.

The feeling was exquisite. The magic that had ebbed during his interruption began to swell again, prickling his skin. His lips tingled as they explored each other’s mouths. She moaned as she fisted her hands in the back of his tunic. With a thought, his tunic was gone. His skin now a bare as her’s. She broke the kiss and gave him a predatory smile. Her hand extending in invitation as she stepped away. He placed his fingers in her palm and she began to chant again.

 

“Ar athlan tarasyl. Ar athlan anor. Garas to em.” Her voice was quiet but insistent. She pulled him around to stand behind her and began to sway her hips, spreading her arms above her then lightly running her hands down his face.

“Lasa em mar enansal. Sul’ema em mar enasthe.” 

His hips followed her motion, followed the rhythm of the magic pulsing around them.

“Ar sul’ema ara’lan. Ar sul’ema vhenan.” 

She stepped out and away, her arms reaching, back bowed. He followed. Arching and reaching. The steps unknown but familiar. The pace quickening.

“Ar sul’ema tarem. Ar sul’ema sal.” 

They moved together now. The momentum building. His fingertips brushed her arm and she gasped. His pulse raceing.

“Ver ga mah ar ame!” Her voice louder now. The beat of the magic building to a crescendo. Her movements quick and precise as she continued to weave the spell.

“Ar'an ane hames! Ma ane tarlin!” She cried out, spinning into him. He caught her in his arms as the spell broke over them. His muscles tense. The magic burst from her in a flash. The design on her skin incandescent. For a moment she was rigid in his arms, her mouth and eyes wide in shock. 

Solas woke with a jolt, magic still tingling under his skin. There was pain. He could feel it but couldn't identify where it was coming from. As he threw back his blanket searching for the source, he realized he wasn't the one in pain. Ashara was on fire and he could feel her burning.

He paused long enough to grab his cloak and a satchel full of potions. The guards called after him as he sprinted into the woods. She was close. He knew the way.

The runes around her camp sparked as he fade stepped through, not even breaking stride. His breath came in gasps when he reached her. A pale green light crackled around her skin like electricity. She writhed on the ground, jaw clenched and eyes squeezed shut. Solas’s jaw was clenched too. He could feel her pain more acutely the closer his proximity to her. Hands trembling, he cast dispel. She sagged into the ground, panting as the magic finally receded. Blisters and red welts covered her body as if she had been set on fire. He leaned her forward and placed a potion to her mouth. She could barely open her eyes.

“Solas?” her voice was cracked and weak.

“I am here lethalan. Drink this.” And she did. The potion began healing her and relief flooded him. Pain was replaced by a chill. Its was still night and the fire she built was barely embers. He wrapped his cloak around her shoulders, pulling it tightly. The sensation was strange. He could feel her relief and gratitude, the exquisite warmth of the fur engulfing her. 

His reverie was interrupted by the crashing of branches. 

“Solas!” Bull’s voice called from the dark woods. 

“Here!” Solas answered back making sure Ashara was wrapped up tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize for my elvhen. I know its not exactly right but this is kind of what she's saying:  
> I call the sky  
> I call the land  
> Come to me  
> Grant me your blessing  
> Give me your favor  
> I give myself to you  
> I give you my heart  
> I give you my mind  
> I give you my soul  
> Take all that I am  
> We are bound  
> You are my master


	4. Chapter 4

Night was rarely a restful time for the Cullen. His dreams had been especially bad lately. Always, demon stalked him and the dead demanded retribution. Lately, a new twist had seeped in. The events of Haven added to his restless evening, but in his nightmares, the Inquisitor didn’t make it off the icy mountain.

He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. She was alive, he reminded himself, and he would do anything in his power to keep her safe.

Sleep would not come again so he contemplated either putting on his armor and getting some sword practice or getting an early start on his paperwork. He made his way down the ladder to his office. A fire would chase away the lingering chill at least.

The rhythmic echo of horses coming across the bridge caught his ear. Someone was in a rush. No scout patrols were out. Who could…only the Inquisitor was due back today. There was no time to don his armor. He threw his boots on and wrapped a cloak over the simple tunic and pants he wore. 

The Iron Bull raced his horse into the courtyard first, a figure riding in front of him in the saddle wrapped tightly in a cloak. Cullen paused a moment on the battlements. Blackwall arrived close on his heals. Both men carefully helped the figure dismount. The figure wobbled unsteadily on their feet. Bull swept them up in his arms and the hood fell away. Cullen ran down the stairs as Bull carried the Inquisitor towards the infirmary. 

The head healer was awake by the time Cullen arrived. Ashara looked more irritated than anything as the other woman peered into her eyes and examined the skin on her hands. 

“I’m fine, really” Ashara insisted.

“Hmpf” the healer replied, continuing her examination. 

Cullen touched Bull on the arm, drawing his attention. “What happened?” he whispered.

“Some kind of spell went wrong. She was burned pretty bad but Solas got a potion into her quickly. She still seems shaky though.”

The relief washed over him. She was ok. Thank the maker.

“Bull, Blackwall, I’m all right. There is nothing else you can do and I know you must be tired. Please, there is no need to stay.” Ashara’s voice was soft but commanding.

Both men grumbled, but left. 

Cullen moved closer to the cot Ashara was sitting on as the healer continued her examination. 

“Do you have anything I can wear. I feel very strange sitting here in just a cloak” she asked the healer. The woman paused.

“I can have one of my assistants fetch your things from your quarters Inquisitor.” she offered.

Ashara shook her head. “Oh no, that seems like too much trouble.”

Cullen removed his own cloak and pulled his linen shirt over his head.

“If it pleases my lady, at least we will both be half dressed.” He joked and offering her the shirt.  
She smiled at him, her expression a little dazed. 

“Um…thank you kind sir” she replied, taking the offered item. 

There was something different about the way she looked. Cullen frowned as he turned to allow her the privacy and he stepped out of the room for a moment. She called him back in when she was dressed. The shirt was loose on her frame but the hem was almost to her knees. He had a hard time keeping his thoughts proper seeing her dressed so. She refastened her cloak and sat back on the edge of the cot. 

“Your tat…I mean vallaslin, they’re different.” 

“What do you mean?” 

She held up her arm, fingers tracing the designs. She tried rubbing the markings but they remained. 

"Maybe its a side affect of the magic?" The question more for herself than Cullen or the Healer. 

She touched her face and looked around self-consciously. 

"I must look strange!"

“No! I mean, its strange that they changed but you still look just as beautiful as you did before.” 

He felt his face go red immediately. That was over the bounds of decorum. She blushed as well. Makers breath, now she felt uncomfortable. 

“Please, lady Inquisitor, can you tell me what happened?” he asked, trying to take a more professional tone.

The door opening called their attention. Solas looked at them both and frowned as he entered.

“How do you feel lethallan?” Solas asked, striding in. He insinuated himself between Cullen and Ashara. His gaze focused only on her.

“I’m fine Solas.” her voice was soft.

Something in her tone made Cullen uneasy. 

“I was just telling the Commander what happened.” she said louder. 

Solas finally met his gaze. The other man looked irritated and a bit exhausted.

“The Inquisitor was performing a ritual to help regain her focus. I believe the anchor amplified the effect in an unpredictable manner. Luckily, I was there the dispel the magic before too much damage was done.”

Maker, that man could make anything sound condescending. Cullen's hand reflexively raised to rest on the pommel of his sword before he realized it wasn’t there. 

Dorian’s arrival cut off any questions he had. 

“Can’t keep out of trouble, can you?” Dorian’s voice was cheerful but there was an edge of worry.

“Dorian! They didn’t drag you out of bed, did they?” Ashara brightened at seeing her friend.

“Out of the tavern, I’m afraid. An adorable minor Fereldan noble with be drinking alone tonight.”

The healer interrupted the reunion to let Ashara know she had completed her examination. Physically, the inquisitor was well but the magic seemed to be having some lingering effects. Ashara and Solas shared a guilty look that filled Cullen with questions. 

“Well, my lady, it sounds like you had quite the adventure without me. Care to tell me about it as I walk you to your quarters?” Dorian offered. Ashara readily agreed. 

“We should talk more once you are rested.” Solas commanded as walked out, not waiting for a reply. 

As Ashara readied to leave, Dorian pulled Cullen aside. 

“Are we still on for chess tomorrow Commander?” 

Dorian was an unlikely friend but Cullen quite enjoyed talking to the man. It was nice to have a small break from his responsibilities now and again.

“Of course.” he replied. 

“I think I’m ready” Ashara interrupted. Cullen could see the white of his linen shirt peaking out between the edges of her cloak. Warmth bloomed in his chest unexpectedly.

“I’ll see you at the debriefing Commander.” She smiled at him as they parted ways. He was anxious to hear her report. He had a feeling there was something she wasn’t telling him.

 

_________

 

The debriefing was informative and Ashara answered all the questions her advisors asked but Cullen still felt like she was holding something back. She seemed more distracted then normal. 

He set up the chessboard as he analyzed his own feelings. Maybe he was looking too hard at her reactions, trying to spot a weakness after her injury. She was such a strong person. It seemed impossible that anything could rattle her. Wasn’t she allowed to be mortal?

“Well, you’re deep in thought Commander. Thinking about someone in particular?” Dorian made himself comfortable in the chair opposite him. 

They had become a regular fixture in the garden. Their weekly chess game hardly called attention anymore. Not everyone in the Inquisition approved of a Tevinter mage so close to their leader. They were wrong, of course. Dorian had proven himself a valuable asset many times over and Ashara clearly adored him. 

“Are you ready to play or not sir?” Cullen challenged, a smirk pulling at his mouth.

Dorian made the first move. Both men were momentarily engrossed with the finer points of strategy. As the game progressed, an easy banter began between them. 

“The Inquisitor had on a rather interesting outfit when I walked her home last night.” Dorian teased.

“I couldn’t very well allow the leader of the Inquisition to walk around in nothing more then her cloak!” His voice was defensive. 

“I wonder if you would give me the same courtesy if I was in a similar state?” Dorian winked.

Cullen sighed and rolled his eyes. “It is my duty as commander…”

“Duty!” Dorian barked. “Your duty as commander is to the Inquisition, not Ashara. I know she seems like the second coming of Andraste herself but she is a woman Cullen. She needs more then military advice.”

Cullen sighed. “What do you expect me to do Dorian?”

“She needs you to be her friend, Commander. The fate of our world depends on her. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of pressure she’s under. She needs people who remind her what she’s fighting for.” 

Cullen rubbed his neck absently. “Of course, you’re right” 

“Indeed, I often am.” Dorian replied, smirking.

Cullen glanced down at the board. At least he was winning the game.

“Gloat all you like, I have this one.” he stated.

“Are you sassing me Commander? I didn’t know you had it in you.” 

“Why do I even…” The Inquisitor was walking across the gardens towards them. His rebuke forgotten, Cullen rose to greet her.

“Inquisitor!”

“Leaving are you? Does this mean I win?” Dorian taunted. 

Ashara hid her smile. “Please, don’t stop on my account.”

Cullen focused on the game again. After his move, Dorian was predictable boastful.

“You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory. You’ll feel much better.”

Cullen chuckled as he made his next move.

“Really? Because I just won and I feel fine.”

“Don’t get smug. They’ll be no living with you.” Dorian countered as he stood. He kissed Ashara on the cheek and headed back inside. She looked at Cullen expectantly. 

“I should really get back to my duties as well…” he started but then he remembered Dorian’s advice. “Unless you would care for a game?” The invitation was impulsive but not improper.

“Prepare the board Commander.” She replied, her smile warm.

They made simple small talk. He told her a little about his family and she spoke a little about her clan. For the first time since they met, he felt relaxed with her. Perhaps Dorian was right. She cared so much for everyone around her, maybe she needed people who cared for her too. Not just as the Inquisitor, but as Ashara. Before he knew it, an hour had passed. 

“This may be the longest we’ve gone without discussing the Inquisition…or related matters. To be honest, I appreciate the distraction.” 

“We should spend more time together.” Her new vallaslin made her look fierce but her voice was even and her gaze was soft. 

Was she flirting with him? Surely not. Cullen’s pulse quickened.

“I would like that.” He purred, a smile on his lips.

“Me too.” She smiled back, 

There was something playful in the way she looked at him and the tone of her voice. She was definitely flirting. Perhaps it was Dorian’s influence but suddenly, Cullen felt bold. 

“You said that.” 

He met her gaze. Warmth spread through him. She licked her lips and he wondered how those lips would feel pressed to his throat. How her skin would feel as he learned the intricacies of her new markings with his fingertips. Was it still improper if she wanted those things too?

“We should…finish our game. Right? My turn?” His voice was low and soft. A smile tugged at his mouth. Ashara’s cheeks were flushed and her eyes dark.

Cullen was too distracted to pay much attention to chess and Ashara won easily. When he suggested they try again sometime, her reply was an eager yes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW content!

Ashara left the garden with a warm feeling. A smile played on her lips. She should go see Varric’s friend on the battlements. Suddenly, she felt disoriented, her warm feeling replaced by irritation. Maybe she should go see Solas instead. He was predictably painting in the rotunda. 

“Inquisitor, are you well?”

Something in his tone seemed off.

“No.” She replied. “I’ve been feeling strange since the…um…incident”

“As have I.” Solas stated. 

She was surprised. Her shock was overcome by another wave of confusion replaced by calm. The sudden mood swings were disconcerting. 

“Is there somewhere we can talk that’s a little more private” He looked pointedly up towards Lelianna’s rookery.

“Would my quarters be acceptable?” 

No member of the Inquisition would enter her private quarters without her consent. Solas agreed and they made their way across the great hall. He sat as soon as they entered the room and motioned for Ashara to join him on her sofa.

“I’d like to try something if you would humor me Inquisitor” Solas held his hand up, palm out. With his other hand, he pinched the base of his thumb. Pain bloomed in Ashara’s palm.

“Ow!” She snatched her hand up unconsciously. “How did you..”

“As I suspected. You can feel what I am feeling and…vice versa.” Solas’s tone was calm and his gaze was even. Ashara could feel confusion welling up inside her. 

“Please try to remain calm. Your emotional state can be overwhelming the closer I am to you.” 

“Wait, you can feel my emotions?” Her mind raced. Did he feel what she was feeling…in the garden…with Cullen? Her cheeks began to pink.

“There is no reason to be embarrassed Ashara. You could not have known.” She looked up into his face. His cheeks were pink as well.

She took a deep breathe to calm herself. “How is this possible Solas? I’ve never heard of a spell that could do anything like this.” 

“The ritual you used to focus yourself, it was not a prayer. The gods of Arlathan used complicated magical bindings to subjugate the will of their servants. The ceremony you performed was one such binding.”

“I’ve completed the ritual before, nothing like this has ever happened.”

“Do you remember when I told you about the orb? I believe it was the focus of power for one of the Evanarus. The anchor is the result of that power. It flows through you. The valleslin from your ceremony must represent the same member of the Evanuris as the orb. The magic of the anchor activated the valleslin. When I interrupted you in the fade we took the place of slave and master. It wasn’t an exact recreation though. I doubt the elven gods could feel the emotions of the slaves they bound.”

She should be shocked. She felt hesitant instead. Was she afraid? No, it was Solas, he was holding something back. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” She held his gaze. 

“In my journeys in the Fade, I have seen things. I have seen those marks before.” His voice was quiet and low. Somehow, she knew what he was going to say. Suddenly, his voice was far away. 

“The orb, the vallaslin, they are Fen’Harel’s.” 

Her world shattered. No no no no. It couldn’t be. Fen’Harel was a children’s story. He wasn’t real. The elven gods disappeared a thousand years ago. If any of this was true she would be shunned from her clan. No Dalish would ever even speak to her again. Her heart raced. Tears sprang to the corners of her eyes. 

“Lethallan, we will find a way to reverse this spell.” Solas’s voice was even and low. He spoke to her as one might a wild animal. He took her hand and the touch calmed her. She focused on the way he felt. He was serene, like a warm pool. 

She took a deep breathe. “Thank you Solas. I’m so sorry you were dragged into this.”

“The fault was mine Ashara. If I hadn’t interrupted you…”

“Then I might be bound to a spirit instead.” she finished for him. Her lips stretched into a weak smile. She could feel the remorse inside him but it was misguided. 

“Is there anything else you know about this binding?” 

He turned her hand over, looking at the silvery marks that disappeared under her sleeve. 

“I do have a theory. I believe the valleslin were used as a means of reinforcement - not always negative.” He touched the edge of the design gently. “May I test my theory. I promise to stop if you feel any discomfort.” 

She nodded, trusting in him. His fingertips brushed over the marks and he sent a gentle pulse of magic across her skin. The feeling was exquisite. A gentle warmth radiated down her body, settling in her core. It was the feeling of a first kiss or a lover’s promise. Desire hummed under her skin. She shivered and gasped, he pulled his hand away. He wanted her too, but something held him back. She could feel the fight within him. 

“Please,” she whispered, “don’t stop.”

Whatever was holding him back crumbled. He leaned into her, meeting her lips. The kiss was more gentle then their first in the fade. His mouth soft and relaxed. They explored each other languidly. Sensation feeding sensation. 

Desire built like an echo. She touched his face. The sensation tingling on her fingertips a ghost on her own skin. His hands explored the span of her ribs, rising to the swell of her breasts. His thumb circled her nipple through her shirt. She gasped, breaking their kiss. A growl rumbled deep in Solas’s chest. His eyes hungry. Anticipation and desire spiraling between them, a mirror reflecting a mirror. 

Their next kiss was harder, open and plunging. Hands searched for buttons, peeling back clothes, exposing flesh. Each touch was magnified, intent and pleasure feeding each other. By the time he took the hard peak of her breast into his mouth, her head was swimming. The center of her core clenching and desperate.

The buttons on her pants began to distract them both. She pushed away just long enough to divest herself of the rest of her clothing. Solas took the opportunity to do the same. Her hands were too impatient. She wanted to touch his smooth skin, feel his taut muscles. She ran her fingers up his spine and her back tingled. 

Slow wasn’t enough anymore. Their limbs tangled. Her teeth found the spot on his neck that made his knees weak. He rolled her nipple between his fingers pulling a ragged moan from her. They fell into her bed, the contact between them surging into lust.

His hands skimmed up her side. A gentle pulse of magic directed into her valleslin pushed her higher. 

“I need you inside me.” It was a command.

He entered her in one smooth motion. The sensation burst through both of them, sharp and sweet. They both stilled for a moment, breath coming in pants, letting the feeling wash over them. 

Solas began to move then, and the world fell away. All that remained was his mouth, his hands, his cock, and the insistent rhythm of pleasure. 

When she began to feel impatient, he rolled her on top, never breaking their union. She rode him then. The cadence of their desire becoming frenzied. Ragged moans echoed in her ears. She wasn’t sure from who. She was close to the pinnacle of her desire and so was he. His hand on her thigh sent a pulse of magic into her valleslin. They both shattered, rigid, clenching. Intense please flooded every nerve, every synapse. 

She collapsed on top of him, spent and weak. Stars floated in her vision.

They lay like that for a while, enjoying the warm glow of their fading pleasure. She nuzzled his neck and kissed lobe of his ear. He chuckled.

“So eager to start again, lethallan? Does the Inquisitor have no obligations?”

“Fenedhis! I forgot about Varric!” Ashara rolled out of the bed and frantically began picking up her discarded clothes. 

Solas chuckled again. She could feel his desire as he watched her dress. 

“I’ll find you later.” she promised.

“Take all the time you need. The Inquisition must come first.” 

She sighed and threw him a kiss as she hurried out.

She found Varric and Hawke on the battlements. None of the news was good. They would need to go to Crestwood as soon as possible and meet up with the Grey Warden Stroud. Varric invited her to eat with them in the tavern. It was the least she could do for making them wait. Dinner led to drinks and it was late by the time she made it back to her quarters. She half hoped to find Solas asleep where she left him but he had his own life. She imagined he had already made his way to the fade. 

 

————————-

 

Ashara awoke with a smile on her face. Her pillow still smelled of his skin. She remembered his taste, his touch. She shook her head to clear it. There was a morning war table meeting and she had a lot to discuss.

She could feel his mood before she saw him. He was anxious, irritated, and something else she couldn’t put her finger on. He was waiting for her in the great hall. 

“Solas, is everything OK?” 

“Yes Inquisitor, I came to ask for a favor.” his formal tone was unanticipated. She realized what emotion he was feeling - regret.

“I would like to request a leave of absence. It is imperative that we find a way to reverse the spell that binds us. I have a friend in the Exalted Plains that may be able to help.” His face was impassive but he did not meet her eyes.

“What is this really about Solas?” She felt cold. Anger replaced her formerly good mood.

“I am sorry. I distracted you from your duty. That can not happen again. If you lost your focus during a pivotal moment, everything could be lost. You could be lost. I could not bear that.”

He met her gaze then. “Please Ashara, you know I’m right.”

She sighed. Her anger faded. He was right. 

“Fine. I have to tell my advisors about our bond. I’m sure they’ll be happy we at least have a plan to do something about it.” 

He thanked her and walked away. It brought her no pleasure to know this was hurting him too.

Predictably, everyone was alarmed by her new condition. Lelianna had a million questions, Josephine asked her if she was feeling ok at least six times and Cullen just frowned, his jaw clenched tight like he wanted to say something but didn’t. She explained as best she could while leaving out the more salacious details. When she told them about Solas’s plan to leave, Cullen was the first to agree. Josephine suggested they have Dorian do research as well. Tevinter had a long history of magic and slavery. Maybe he could find some magical precedence.

The next subject up for discussion was Hawke and the Grey Warden. She related what Hawke told her and they all agreed time was of the essence. Her party would set out that day for Crestwood. 

She stopped by the library to find Dorian and break the news about his new research project.

“Fasta vass woman! I knew there was something going on between you and that elf.” Dorian smirked.

“Hey! I’m an elf too.” she punched him in the arm.

“Ow! There’s no call for violence. I just mean you deserve someone better than that apostate hobo.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Please Dorian, I can make my own decisions.” 

“Can you?” his voice was serious now. “Do you know for sure that whatever spell you are both under isn’t influencing you?”

“That is why I need you looking for a cure.” She caught his gaze and smiled. She knew he would do whatever he could to help her.

“I do remember talk about a magister who tattooed a slave with lyrium markings to give him some kind of abilities. I’ll send a raven to a friend in Tevinter who owes me.” he returned her smile but his expression was strained. “We’ll fix this Ashara.”

“Thank you Dorian.” 

As Ashara packed her gear for Crestwood, it occurred to her that she wasn't completely sure she wanted to be fixed. The thought terrified her.

Dorian and her advisors came to bid her farewell. Solas was nowhere to be found.


	6. Chapter 6

The journey to Crestwood took a couple of days. Ashara was glad for the time to think. Solas’s reaction the morning after had really hurt her. That he regretted what had happened between them soured her memory of it. Perhaps Dorian was right. If his attraction to her was being influenced by their bond, maybe he never wanted to be with her at all. Maybe the ritual had been influencing him the first time he kissed her in the fade. He had refused her initially. Her heart felt heavy.   
  
Rain came down in sheets and her breathe fogged in the cold air. The weather reflected her mood. She was grateful for her waterproof cloak while riding but she knew from experience it would be tossed aside once the fighting started. They were all relieved when they caught sight of the Inquisition camp outside of Crestwood Village. A hot meal and a dry tent would do everyone some good.   
  
Harding’s tone was full of worry as she greeted them. The scout only had more bad news. The undead they could handle but how in Mythal’s name was she supposed to close a rift in the middle of a lake? A bundle of reports had preceded them from Skyhold. She ate her dinner as she read through the papers. One particular page caught her eye.   
  
-  
  
 _Dear Ashara,_  
  
 _I’ve been told recently that I need to practice writing personal correspondence. I hope you don’t mind me practicing with you._  
  
 _All of the reports from Crestwood seem grim. I remember how much you enjoyed the undead and rain in the Fallow Mire and it looks like this mission will be much of the same. Perhaps there will be less mud at least. I could send Dorian to entertain you but I would rather have him working on your cure. Perhaps Lady Vivienne can provide enough complaints to keep you distracted._  
  
 _Please try and stay safe._  
  
 _Yours,_  
 _Cullen_  
  
-  
  
She smiled down at the page. The weight on her heart lifted slightly.   
  
It was two more days before she had reports to send back but she remembered to send her commander a reply.  
  
-  
  
 _Dear Cullen,_  
  
 _I am writing this from the keep I captured for you. Well, its for the Inquisition but I thought you would get the most use out of it._  
  
 _Vivienne has indeed been a distraction but not because she complains. We came across a high dragon yesterday. She and Bull charged the thing before I could stop them. The woman practically took it down by herself. She looked like one of the arcane knights from the stories our keeper used to tell us. I am now officially terrified of her. I think Bull has a crush._  
  
 _The constant rain was oppressive but it has finally stopped. Every bit of my gear was soaked through but I found one dry piece of clothing at the bottom of my pack. Dorian must have snuck the shirt you loaned me into my things as a prank. I had it laundered and intended to return it to you but I guess he had other plans. I must admit, I am grateful. I do not like to put on wet clothing after a hot bath. I promise to have it washed and returned to you as soon as possible._  
  
 _Sincerely,_  
 _Ashara_  
  
  
_  
  
  
Three days later, they were back at Skyhold. Ashara barely had a moment to herself. They would need to head to the Western Approach as soon as they could. The journey would take the better part of a week and the picture Warden Stroud had painted was dire. If the Wardens were being controlled by Corypheus, if they were using blood magic…Ashara had seen what could happen if a demon army was raised. She would not allow that to come to pass.   
  
Dorian’s research would have to be put on hold. Ashara would need a mage with her who was at least familiar with blood magic. The practice was publicly shunned in Tevine but mages often took what advantage they could and the Magisterium turned a blind eye. She decided not to take Blackwall for fear that his immunity to the influence of Corypheus would be broken in the company of so many other wardens. Cassandra would be more help if she needed tactical advice anyway. Cole was her last pick for companion. Part of her dreaded spending so much time with the strange man (spirit?). He would be an invaluable help if he could tell how much the wardens were being controlled but she didn’t want him reading her mental state. Thinking of Solas was almost painful, like poking a bruise. She was not ready to face the tangled knot of emotions that were her feelings for him. He hadn’t even sent word since he left. Although she was sure their bond was still there, proximity equaled intensity. He was too far away to read. She didn’t  know if he would even come back. Ashara closed her eyes and took a deep breath. There was no time to moon over that infuriating man. Besides, she had an errand to run that would be much more pleasant then poking her bruises.  
  
It was rare to find the door to the commander’s office closed. She knocked.  
  
“Enter” his voice was even and precise, a military command.   
  
Cullen was alone. He stood over his desk staring down at an open wooden box containing some kind of medical device. He glanced up at her.  
  
“Ashara, I’m glad you’re here. As leader of the Inquisition, you…there’s something I must tell you.” his tone still formal.  
  
She frowned. That sounded ominous.   
  
“Whatever it is, I’m willing to listen.”  
  
“Right, Thank you.” His shoulders relaxed and his tone softened.  
  
“Lyrium grants Templars our abilities but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer - some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source for the Templars here. But I…no longer take it.” He stared down a the box.  
  
Ashara’s stomach dropped. She knew templars took lyrium but she had no idea it was addicting.    
  
“You stopped?” Her mind swirled.  
  
“When I joined the inquisition. Its been months now.” He looked up from his desk but still didn’t meet her eyes.  
  
“Cullen, if this can kill you…”  
  
“It hasn’t yet.” he interrupted, his voice stronger. “After Kirkwall, I couldn’t…I will not be bound to the Order - or that life - any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I’ve asked Cassandra to watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.” He met her gaze then.   
  
Of course, he was more concerned about the Inquisition than himself.   
  
“Are you in pain?”  
  
“I can endure it.”   
  
She sighed. That wasn’t a no. She hated the thought that he was suffering but she didn’t want to see him addicted to something that would kill him either.  
  
“Thank you for telling me. I respect what you’re doing.”  
  
“Thank you Ashara.” he looked relieved. “Now that that’s over, did you bring me something?” The corner of him mouth twitched into a half smile.  
  
She looked down at the folded cloth in her hands having forgotten about her original purpose for visiting him.  
  
“Oh…right!” She stepped closer to his desk and extended her arms, offering the item. “I told you I would have this washed and return it to you.”   
  
His smile grew, spreading across his face. He really was quite handsome.   
  
He chuckled. “My shirt? You really didn’t have to go through so much trouble.”   
  
His hand came up to take the item and stopped. “Actually, why don’t you keep it. Its come in handy before, maybe you will find it useful again. Think of it as a gift.”  
  
“Oh, alright!”  
  
She smiled back and brought the folded cloth back to her chest, wrapping her arms around it.  
  
“I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your letter too, Cullen. You made me smile when I really needed it.”  
  
“I that case, I would be happy to continue our correspondence.”   
  
The scar on his lip drew her eye and suddenly she wondered how he would react if she licked it. Instead, she thanked him again and made her way back to her quarters. Her steps lighter.  
  
Ashara and her companions left for the Western Approach the next morning. 


	7. Chapter 7

The shadows in the courtyard had grown long and the light was a liquid gold that preceded night. Cullen’s strides were long as he hurried back to his quarters. Training had gone late and he had an appointment to keep. Varric and Bull had invited him for a game of wicked grace. He didn’t normally accept Varric’s invitations but, with Ashara and Dorian gone, he found himself longing for companionship. 

In Kirkwall, there had been no room for friends. Templars discouraged fraternizing with subordinates or mages leaving only his commander to talk to. Meredith…well, he was glad he never spent more time with the woman. Even before she was infected with red lyrium, her view of mages was more than extreme. 

He sighed. If only he had seen reason sooner. In his youth, he had learned to fear mages. Now, he realized it was only the unknown he had feared. Spending time with his peers let him see them as people, it made him a better person.

He had cleaned up, changed and wiped down his armor. As he prepared to leave, he noticed a small bundle of reports on his desk. They could wait until the morning. He paused, mid-stride. What if Ashara had written a letter? The pages were in his hand in an instant. The third page contained her neat, flowing script.

-

Dear Cullen,

We have only been on the road a few days, but traveling with Cole has already been an adventure. On the second day of our trip Cassandra noticed his horse had no rider. We backtracked, looking for him for an hour and a half. In the middle of searching we hear, “Can I help look?” He was sitting astride his mount as if nothing had happened. I though Cassandra might strangle him. At least he had the common decency to look embarrassed. He doesn’t talk much but when he does its either some painful emotional truth or random, incoherent thoughts. He had poor Dorian practically in tears with a few words. I must admit, my face has been red more then once from just a phrase he says.

I don’t mean to sound unkind. Cole is actually very sweet. He is constantly trying to be helpful too. I started setting his tent up for him because he gets too distracted getting wood for the fire or picking herbs to add to dinner to think about himself. He reminds me of you in that regard. You are so focused on the needs of the inquisition sometimes, you forget to take care of yourself. Dorian speaks very highly of you but he wishes you could find more time to relax. Of course, he says that about me too.

Speaking of Dorian, he updated me on his research into my magical bond with Solas. There was a magister who branded an elven slave with lyrium in symbols on his skin similar to a valleslin. These markings gave him some kind of phasing power. Dorian has hit a bit of a dead end though, the magister was killed by the elf he branded. His assistant was killed as well and no one knows what happened to his research. Maybe talking to the man who was branded would provide some insight. Last anyone heard, he had escaped to Kirkwall. Did you ever hear about an elf with glowing tattoos when you lived there?

Thank you for telling me about your recovery. It sounds like a difficult ordeal but I admire you so much for doing it. Your strength of purpose is truly inspiring. I hope you are doing well.

Sincerely,  
Ashara

-

 

Cullen smiled at the page. He did remember an elven man with glowing tattoos, and, it just so happened he was meeting with someone tonight who would have all the information Ashara needed to find him. 

Two days later, he sent reports to meet up with the Inquisitor’s group in the Western Approach.

 

-

 

Dear Ashara,

I did remember the elf with glowing tattoos from Kirkwall. He was very close to the Champion, actually. Varric is sure Hawke still knows where to find him if you would like to contact him. You should be meeting Hawke soon so I’ll leave it to you to decide what to do. I truly hope he can help.

Although you and Dorian are no longer here to remind me to take time off of work, Bull and Varric talked me into a game of Wicked Grace. The two men are sharks. They are far too good at reading people to play at cards. I lost more money then I’d care to admit but the company was enjoyable. We stayed up late trading stories and buying rounds of ale. I would suggest taking care with how much you drink if you ever play cards with them. I had to postpone some early morning training because of over-indulgence.

Thank you for your kind words. Fighting addiction has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. There are no records of Templars freeing themselves from lyrium but that is unsurprising. The Chantry would hardly give their dogs a way to break their leash. I am hoping that if I can find a way through this, others can use my example to do the same. 

You know, you inspire me too Ashara. Fate put you at the center of a disaster and you consistently build order out of chaos. Truly, the Inquisition would have failed without you. Its not just the mark on your hand either. You never give up, no matter how bad things get. You also see the good in people even when others can’t. And, you can be insufferable stubborn when you think you’re right. 

I’m so glad to call you my friend.

Yours,  
Cullen

 

-

 

Time moved slowly when the Inquisitor was away from Skyhold. The war council still held meetings, the recruits still trained, and reports still had to be made. Without Ashara though, everything felt as though it was on hold. She was the axis around which everything turned. Cullen had a feeling this business with the Wardens would get much worse. They were a trained and efficient fighting force, if they were under Corypheus’ control, the Inquisition would need every soldier in the field. That didn’t even take into account the possibility of a demon army. He pushed his recruits as hard as he could as they waited for word. 

A runner found Cullen on the training ground. He gave the Commander a thick stack of papers with a salute.

Cullen handed off training and hurried back to his office. The reports were dire indeed. The Wardens were using blood magic to raise demons. Although Corypheus wasn’t controlling the Wardens outright, he had convinced them, through his agent, to work contrary to their purpose. As he feared, the Inquisition would need to storm Adamant Fortress before it was too late.

At the bottom of the stack, a short note waited.

 

-

 

Dear Cullen,

The Western Approach is a horrible place. Varghest and Venatori hide around every corner. The heat is oppressive. I never realized how draining the sun could be. And the sand - it finds it’s way into everything. At least Dorian enjoys fighting the cultists. 

We captured Dragon Wing Keep yesterday and I am absolutely using my rank to get a private room to myself. I have not been able to get a full bath yet as we are having some problems with the well here but I am at least sand-free. Luckily, someone gave me a shirt that magically stayed clean in my pack and I am wearing it now. I’ll see if we can get the water situation sorted out before you and the Inquisition forces get here. Rylen seems like competent man so we shouldn’t have any problems.

I know the circumstances are terrible, but I’m glad you will be here soon. I miss talking to you face to face. Also, I’m a little excited to see you fully command your troops from the battlefield. 

Yours,  
Ashara

 

-

 

Cullen’s hand rubbed his neck, the tension in his shoulders was beginning to give him a headache. At, least he hoped it was just tension. He didn’t have time for withdrawal symptoms. Skyhold’s forces would begin leaving as soon as possible. His mind tried to focus on the many tasks he would need to accomplish, instead, he kept imagining Ashara wearing his shirt and only his shirt. The collar open, showing a glimpse of the soft swell of her breasts. Her legs, long and bare. Perhaps she would have her hair down. Long, chestnut waves framing her face as she leaned over her desk. She missed him. He missed her too.

Cullen took a deep breathe to focus his mind. There was no time for idle fantasy. Ashara needed him to be her commander now and that’s what he would be. He would see her soon enough.

-

Griffon Wing keep was another sandy ruin in a vast sea of grit and heat but Cullen’s heart lifted as soon as he spotted it. Ashara was there. He quickened the pace of his horse and was the first in the Inquisition army to pass through the gate. Knight-Captain Rylen met him in the small courtyard. The man was efficient and hard working, a good choice for command of the keep. Plus, Cullen just liked him. They got down to the business of settling the army immediately. The Inquisitor was out investigating reports of a Venatori encampment anyway. 

Cullen was still issuing orders and reading reports in his makeshift office after nightfall. The large tent offered shade but little privacy, one side was open to the encampment. The sound of voices and the general activity of the Inquisition forces had faded to the background as he worked. 

“May I enter?” Her voice was soft and a little nervous. 

He snapped up from his chair immediately. A smile on his face.

“Of course Inquisitor. How may I be of service?”

She walked through the doorway and Cullen stopped breathing for a moment. She was wearing a new set of armor (if you could call it that). It was a Qunari design made specifically for warm climates. It was more knotted rope and silk then armor and clung to the curves of her body. The fabric covered her chest and legs and little more. Her skin was darker from the sun and her new valleslin stood out more making her look fierce and beautiful. He suddenly wondered if this new armor was tied on and which knots needed to be loosened to remove it.

“I was hoping to talk to you about a personal matter. Would you mind taking a walk with me?”

“Lead the way.” he answered.

His mind raced as he followed her trying to puzzle out what she needed to discuss. Perhaps Hawke had given her a lead on reversing the ritual. Neither spoke as they walked. She led him into the keep and onto the battlements. The back area faced a huge canyon and with the Inquisition forces camped around the fortress, there was little need for guards to patrol. A velvet canopy of stars sparkled overhead and full moon hung low in the sky, its light soft and bright. Ashara looked out over the edge of the battlements for a moment before she spoke.

"Did you leave anyone behind in Kirkwall?” Her voice was still soft but more serious.

"No. I fear I made few friends there, and my family's in Ferelden.”

He stood beside her, close but not touching. The both looked out into the expanse and not at each other.

"No one special caught your interest?”

He felt lightheaded for a moment. Was she asking him what he thought she was asking him?

"Not in Kirkwall.” 

Was his reply enough? Too much? The ground seemed to be shifting under his feet. He gripped the stones under his hands for balance.

“As you know, I spent a lot of time with Cole lately. Some of the things he’s said to me…I needed to face what I was feeling. Then when I talked to Hawke about Fenris, I realized how foolish it is to hide those feelings.”

She turned to face him then. The words tumbled out of her in a rush.

“I find myself thinking of you. More than…well, all the time really.”

What she said made his heart beat faster. He wanted her but something still held him back.

“I can’t say I haven’t wondered what it would be like.” he ventured.

“What’s stopping you?”

“You’re the Inquisitor. We’re at war.” 

Even as he said the words, he knew none of those things really mattered. The only thing that had held him back was the fear that she didn’t feel the same way.

“And you…I didn’t think it was possible.” He stepped closer to her as he spoke. 

“And yet, here we are.” she purred. Her gaze dark and full of promise.

She leaned into him and tipped her chin up in invitation. Their lips met and fire bloomed within him. The ground fell away. He griped her waist to anchor himself. She opened her mouth, deepening the kiss. She tasted like elfroot potion and mint tea. Her hands slid around his neck, fingers curling into his scalp. He inhaled and pulled her tighter against him. She smelled of sunshine and salt and some exotic musk. Their tongues intertwined in a slow dance as his hands appraised the bare expanse of her back. 

His thumb brushed her ribs, dangerously close to the curve of her breast and she moaned softly into his mouth. He wanted to rip away the cords and silk and taste her skin. He wanted to shed his armor and watch her come undone underneath him. He wanted her cries and moans to echo against the stones of the keep. 

Voices filtered up from the courtyard below them. They broke apart at the sound, passion cooled by the reminder of how exposed they were. The soldiers walking through paid them no mind but they stepped back into a shadow to be sure. Ashara smiled up at him, cheeks flushed. He smiled back and pulled her close.

“That was nice.” 

The words felt insufficient as soon as they left his mouth but she laid her head on his chest and hummed an agreement anyway. After a moment, she pulled away. A breeze tugged a lock of hair into her face and he dared to tuck it behind he ear. His fingers trailed down her jaw. She reached up and caught his had.

“I don’t want secrets between us.” she started. “The bond between Solas and I…its more then just being able to tell if the other is in pain. We can feel each other’s emotions.”

“Oh?” a small trickle of fear ran down his back.

“After the ritual, the connection between us…it was so intense. We were together...physically.”

“Do you love him?” His voice was even but low. The fear a cold knot in his chest.

She held his gaze. 

“No.”

Relief washed over him.

“Before the bond, Solas and I were just friends. I could have seen him as more but he made it clear he wasn’t interested and that was the end of it. When he interrupted the ritual, he initially resisted but the pull of the magic was too strong. He regretted what happened. I think that’s why he left, why he is so eager to find a cure.”

“It sounds like you’ve thought a lot about what Solas wants. What do you want?’

She sighed.

“When I am around him, its impossible to know what feelings are mine and what is just the echo of sensation. It can be so intense. But, when I am away from him, I think of you, Cullen.”

She turned away and leaned over the wall. 

“I’m so sorry. I…I should have told you everything before we…this is a mess. I understand if you want to walk away but I value our friendship. Please, try not to hate me.” 

He could hear her voice waver and it twisted inside him. Solas was a fool to reject her. Cullen couldn’t keep her out of harms way but if he held Ashara’s heart, he would do anything to keep it safe. 

Before he could think, he reached out for her and pulled her close. Her mouth made a surprised “O”. He wanted to devour her, to make her forget Solas, forget the tear in the sky, forget everything except the feeling of being safe in his arms. He kissed her, harder than before. Her surprise melted into yielding. He pulled her hips tight against his own. She moaned again and returned his enthusiasm with her lips and tongue. Her fingers searched for the gaps in his armor, trying to find his bare skin. The feel of her, the taste of her, how much he wanted her, it made him dizzy. 

He broke away before he lost all reason. Instead, he brought up his hand to cup her cheek. She leaned into his touch and met his gaze. Her eyes dark and lips swollen. Maker, she was beautiful.

“We can’t know what’s going to happen, but I know I would regret it if I walked away from you.” he whispered.

She closed her eyes and pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him. They stood for a moment, embracing under the stars. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. 

His skin tingled from being so near her. Now that he knew the taste of her, the feel of her he would never stop wanting more. Tomorrow they would begin the siege of Adamant but now, he would enjoy every second of being close to her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dubious consent and M/M/F. Please let me know if this should be tagged as such.

Hawke and Stroud turned to Ashara in unison. Somebody had to cover their retreat through the rift. Somebody had to stay in the fade and die. They were both willing. She had to choose.

“Stroud” 

Maybe she was damning the remaining Wardens but she couldn’t send Hawke to die knowing Fenris waited. 

Stroud nodded. “Inquisitor, it has been an honor.” 

He turned and ran toward the demon. “For the Wardens!”

She raised her hand and pulled the magic of the rift open. After everyone else had gone, she took one more look at the Warden as he fought. 

She stepped through the rift and there was a disorienting moment where gravity flipped and suddenly, she was falling. She met the ground in a heap. An audible pop and a bright flash of pain signified that she had probably dislocated her arm. She lay in the dirt gasping for a moment trying to catch her breath. Cassandra kneeled down beside and helped her sit up. She place a potion in Ashara’s good hand. The pain began to fade as soon as she swallowed the bitter liquid but it did little to help the bone deep weariness pulling at her. Cassandra helped her to her feet.

A few demons still remained and the wardens had finally joined the inquisition forces to fight them. The twisted creatures sickened her. She used the last of her mana to slam the rift shut behind her. Cut off from the fade, the remaining monsters collapsed into dust. 

The soldiers cheered as they crowded around.

Cullen’s voice cut through the din. “Stand aside!” 

Relief washed over her as soon as she saw his face. He was dirty and tired but alive. He pushed through the crowd his eyes locked on hers. 

“Inquisitor, the archdemon flew off as soon as you disappeared. The Venatori magister is unconscious but alive. I thought you might like to deal with him yourself. As for the wardens, those who weren’t corrupted helped us fight.” His tone was formal, the voice of the Commander of the Inquisition forces.

He was close enough now that she could have touched him if she reached out her hand. She wanted to, but she didn’t. Everyone looked to her to tell them what to do. She had accepted this responsibility and now she must be the Inquisitor. 

A nondescript man in warden armor pushed toward them. 

“Lady Inquisitor, where is Stroud?” the man asked.

The question squeezed her heart.

“Warden Stroud died striking a blow against a servant of the blight.” Her voice was loud and strong and carried over the crowd.

“We have no one left of any significant rank. What do we do now?” the warden’s voice cracked as he spoke. 

Whispers swelled in the crowd.

“You stay and do whatever you can to help.” she answered. 

Stroud had given everything to save them, the least she could do was give the Grey Wardens a chance to redeem themselves.

“We are still at war and we will need every soldier we can get on our side.” she spoke to the man in front of her but she hoped every warden heard her words.

“In peace, vigilance. In war, victory. In death, sacrifice.” he replied.

It was the oath the Grey Wardens made when they pledged their lives to serve. Now they would serve the Inquisition. 

The warden touched his fisted hand to his chest in salute. A wave of exhaustion crashed over her and she swayed just a little before she caught herself. Cullen was at her elbow in an instant.

“Inquisitor, you should really get checked out by the healers.” He spoke as the Commander and she was grateful to comply.

The Wardens in the crowd saluted her as she walked by. Bloodied men and women who were trying to kill her at the beginning of the day now swore their lives to the Inquisition. She felt unworthy. Their leader had made bad choices and almost destroyed the order. Would she fare any better?

The healer’s tent was bursting with patients. Ashara couldn’t justify interrupting them. She convinced Cullen to let her rest instead. She had no serious injuries and any ill effects being in the Fade had on her would wait until tomorrow. She was just so tired. He walked her past the front line to the area where they had camped. The walk was long and Ashara was leaning heavily on her staff by the time they got there. 

Her tent was bigger than most but still only just enough space for a cot and a small desk. She sat on the edge of the bed and let her exhaustion pull her eyes closed. 

“Are you truly alright?” Cullen’s voice was soft and full of concern. 

She opened her eyes slowly. He was kneeling in front of her now. She sighed.

“My mana is low and I’m exhausted. Please, I just need some rest.” 

She started fumbling with the buckles on her armor. The fancy set of dragon armor was impressive for leading the troops but complicated to remove.

‘Need some help?” he asked. His hand reaching but not touching. Not without permission. 

“Yes. Thank you” 

He made short work of her boots and had the buckles on the pauldrons unclasped before she could get her vambraces off. She could recognize how intimate this whole situation was but she was too numb to feel anything. Thoughts of the fear demon and Stroud replayed in her mind over and over. Cullen brought her a damp cloth and while she cleaned her face, he carefully piled her armor in a corner.

“Is there anything else you need?” He kneeled in front of her again, his face tight with concern. 

She managed a thin smile and shook her head. He opened his mouth as if to say more but she was already shifting her body under the blankets. Instead, he stood and made his way to leave.

“I will come and check on you as soon as I can. I…I’m so glad you came back to me.” his voice cracked as he stepped outside.

Sleep pulled at her body but her mind would not let her go. She kept seeing Stroud fighting the demon. Had she made the right decision? Had she doomed the Wardens? Now that she had her memories back she knew she was no chosen one and soon, so would everyone else. Only circumstance had given her the anchor. Was she worthy? She couldn’t save Stroud. She couldn’t save everyone at Haven. The only reason she was Inquisitor was the mark. She was the only thing standing between a darkspawn god and Thedas and the weigh of that felt like it was crushing her. 

Tears seeped from her eyes. Dark thoughts chased each other, tangling in her mind. If only she could sleep, she could think more clearly. A sleeping draught would help. 

Her pack lay on the floor next to her cot. When they first left Skyhold for Crestwood, she had still been distraught over Solas leaving. She didn’t understand why he regretted being with her. When she closed her eyes at night, their conversations would replay in her mind. After the second night where she tossed and turned, her dark mood began effecting the rest of the group. Vivienne handed her a sleeping draught that evening. She had only used a couple of swallows and hadn’t needed it again. She found it among some empty potion bottles. 

She drank the overly sweet liquid and tried, once more, to calm her thoughts. Where was Solas? Had he found the cure? Was he ever coming back? She missed his calm presence and sage advice. She missed his kiss too. She hoped against hope that her actions hadn’t driven her friend away forever. It made her sick to think he may never come back. She feared his return too. Cullen was beautiful and kind, but her experience with Solas had been so intense. She still wanted him. She wanted them both. 

 

“Wake up my dear.” Cullen’s voice was close.

She opened her eyes and found him sitting on the bed next to her. His hair was messy and the light from the windows glowed around him like a halo. Instead of his usual armor, he was dressed in a loose linen shirt and leather breaches. He handed her a cool damp cloth. She felt a little disoriented as she looked around. She was at Skyhold in her own quarters. 

“What happened? How did I…” Her throat felt dry and her voice sounded raspy. 

“You’ve been asleep for over a week. We brought you back to Skyhold to see if anyone could figure out how to wake you. Thank the Maker Solas arrived when he did.” 

Cullen smiled at her then leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth. It was a quick peck, but intimate and sweet. As he leaned back, he took her hand, the forgotten cloth still clutched in it. He turned her hand over and pulled the fabric free. He began to gently rub it across her fingers. Shifting next to her palm, then up her arm, Her skin tingled where her touched her. 

She was suddenly aware that the only thing she was wearing was a loose shirt and this very lovely man was giving her a bath. Her face felt hot and her heart rate quickened.

“Did…um…did you say Solas was here?”

“I am here da’len.” There was amusement in Solas’s voice. She hadn't noticed him sitting on her small couch by the fire. Her head still felt fuzzy and it was difficult for her to focus. 

Solas stood and walked toward her. His gaze held her. He smiled in a way that seemed kind and predatory at once. She shivered. 

“Are you cold?” Cullen asked. His gentle hands paused for a moment. 

“Um…no…I.” was all she could manage to say. She felt lightheaded and was having trouble forming coherent thoughts.

“Solas, would you mind assisting me? Perhaps you could warm the cloth?” Cullen’s smirk was playful. 

Solas kneeled on the other side of her bed and leaned across her taking the fabric from the Commander. A tiny pulse of heat from the mage’s hands made the damp cloth steam. He handed it back to Cullen and settled on the bed. 

Cullen picked up Ashara’s other hand and began massaging her fingers. The warmth and his gently touch were delicious. She had to bite her lip to keep from moaning. With both men so close, Cullen’s gentle caress, their sly smiles…she was becoming quite turned on. Her face burned with embarrassment.

“Is there anything else I can help with Commander.” Solas’s tone was low and suggestive.

Ashara’s center clenched at his words and she had to bite her lip again. Through the fog of her desire and the after-affects of sickness, she remembered his regret the last time they were intimate.

“You don’t have to…” she started. 

Solas leaned in and kissed her. It was soft and insistent. Somewhere in her mind she registered that Cullen’s hands were still on her. The pretense of the cloth was gone and he was caressing her thigh under the blanket. Her body burned for them. This was more than any woman could hope for, still, a warning rang in the back of her mind. 

Cullen kissed her shoulder then up the stretch of her neck and Ashara’s mind went blank. Solas licked at the seem of her lips, inviting her to deepen their kiss. The hand on her leg slid up her side and cupped the swell of her breast. She moaned into Solas’s mouth. Cullen chuckled, the rich rumble next to her ear. His stubble scratched at her tingling skin. 

The sensations were too much and not enough at once. She couldn’t focus on anything and her thoughts slipped away from her like water through her fingers. There was something she should remember. Something important. 

Nimble fingers squeezed her nipple sending a bright shock of pleasure through her. She gasped, breaking their kiss. A growl rumbled deep in Solas’s chest. His eyes hungry. 

She remembered their first time together. Reflexively, her mind went to the place where the ritual had linked them. She could still feel the connection, but from far away. Whoever…no, whatever was touching her. It wasn’t Solas.

She jumped from the bed. The weakness in her limbs and fog in her mind made it difficult. She reached for the magic inside her but her mana was still dangerously low. She might have enough for one spell. 

Now that she knew to look for it, she could see this was not her room. This was the fade. The green tinge at the edges of everything now obvious. The shocked faces of the men across from her glowed with an unnatural purple. Of course, they were desire demons. She didn’t have enough energy to fight two demons. 

If she could just wake up, she would be safe. The sweet taste of the sleeping draught was still on her lips. Well, that option was out. 

The demons wearing her lovers faces advanced towards her. They spoke soothing words and reached out. With the last of her mana, she erected a barrier. It was small and probably wouldn't last too long but it held them back.

There was only one person that could help her now and she hoped he wasn’t too far away to hear her. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her bond with Solas. Every bit of emotion left in her, she poured into the link. Her limbs felt like lead and she could hardly concentrate. The demons were sapping her will and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist. 

Ashara collapsed on the floor. Why was she in Skyhold? She could see Cullen and Solas beyond the barrier. Why had she made a barrier? If only she could remember.

She could feel a change as soon as Solas entered the Fade. He was angry. The emotion cleared her mind like a curtain lifting. Then, in a blink, he was there. The demon wearing his face he encased in a column of ice. With a twist of his hand, the ice shattered, reducing the demon to dust. The second demon dropped its disguise. She had never seen a male desire demon in its true form before. It would be beautiful if it wasn’t trying to kill them. 

“I can give her what she wants, wolf. I can give you both what you want.” It hissed at Solas. 

She felt his anger surge. 

“You will not touch her again, demon!” he spat back.

Solas called forth a stone fist above the creature and smashed it to dust. 

Ashara let the barrier collapse and laid panting on the floor. Already, her arms and legs felt stronger and her mind clear. She could feel Solas’s anger fade away, replaced with concern. He kneeled beside her and offered his hand. Ashara took it gratefully and let him help her stand. 

The false vision of Skyhold faded and they found themselves on a vast plain, the looming shadow of Adamant just beyond. 

She wanted to either throw her arms around him and kiss him or demand he explain why he hadn’t contacted her. Instead, she stood there, and tried her best to calm her emotions.

“Thank you. I wasn’t sure you would be able to hear me or come so far in the fade.” she whispered.

“Our bond makes it possible. Under normal circumstances, I can not travel so far from where my body lies sleeping.” His voice was even and calm but she could still feel the concern seeping out of him. 

“Why are you so angry with me?” His question felt like a blow. Of course, she couldn’t hide her emotions from him.

She sighed. 

“I know you regretted what happened between us, that you were influenced by the ritual. You said you wanted to find a cure, you didn’t want to be a distraction, but, I was really hurt when you left. I though we were at least friends. You could have sent word.” Her eyes blurred as they filled with tears.

“I miss you.” she choked out.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. 

“Is that what you think? That I left because I did not want you?”

She sniffed and nodded her head.

“Even with our bond, it is impossible to know intent.” he mused. 

“What happened between us was more exquisite than anything I could have imagined. Even now, I want to take your face into my hands and kiss away your tears. I want to replace your sadness with pleasure. But I do not trust myself to stop. I fear I would consume you just as surely as that demon.”

She could feel the desire in him and her body already responding. 

“There is another man you care for. I would not stand in the way if you have a chance to find happiness.” 

Desire mixed with regret. 

“Couldn’t I find happiness with you?” she asked as she snaked her arms around him, finally returning his embrace.

“And what of your Commander? Contrary to what the desire demons would have you believe, I don’t think either of us would be willing to share your affection so easily.”

Damn him, why did he have to be right. 

“My research has run its course. I have found a way to remove the valleslin but without the focus, we will need to alter the spell. I will meet you back at Skyhold.” 

He dared kiss her then. Her body responded immediately. The spark of his desire mixed with her’s and they both were on fire. She could feel him trying to bring the heat under control and he managed to break the kiss.

“I think its time for you to wake up.”

Her eyes blinked open and she gasped. Her lips tingled and heat still pooled at her center as she caught her breath. She looked around her empty tent. The morning light filtered through the flap. She was back from the fade and frustratingly alone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Solas entered the gates of Skyhold well ahead of the Inquisition army. With so many people gone, the place seemed more like the old ruin they first occupied after Haven, before Ashara had taken on the mantle of leader. The guards barely acknowledged him. Anyone who might have given him welcome was still far away.

He made his way to his quarters. The room was sparse but suited his needs. The Inquisitor’s chamber was the most luxurious in Skyhold. When the glass in the window had been repaired, Ashara had requested a Dalish design. He remembered the light spilling through and catching in her hair as she came undone astride him. 

His jaw clenched as he forced the thoughts away and ordered his mind again. When he was young, Solas had learned to restrain his emotions. He had prided himself on his control. His face never betrayed his motive unless he wanted it to. Desires were bound only to the greater purpose of his will. Until now. Now, ordered thoughts wandered away from him and found their way to her. Memories of her seeped into the corners of his mind until he could focus on little else. Even his body betrayed him. The carnal fascination she inspired was fit more for a wolf than a member of the Evenarus. He had hoped being away from her would cool his infatuation. It had not. 

He picked up the satchel that held his painting supplies and headed to the rotunda. Perhaps working on the mural would help him calm his mind. Ashara would be back soon and her proximity would only make it more difficult to keep his emotions in check. 

The Inquisitors party made its way through the mountains to Skyhold. He could feel her anticipation, anger, desire. Even at a distance, she was intoxicating and distracting. For the seventh time today, he took a deep breathe and calmed his mind. Ashara struggled to do the same. 

By the time her mount had entered the gate, Solas had resolved not to meet her. She was the leader of the Inquisition and needed to concentrate on her duty. He would only be a distraction. She was disappointed when she did not see him among the crowd that had gathered to welcome them and he struggled to suppress the pleasure that gave him. No, he would continue painting and she would come to him when she was ready. 

The sun had set, and Ashara still had not come to talk to him. The first bell for dinner rang and Solas requested his meal be sent to his quarters. He did not want their reunion to be amongst a crowd in the great hall. He knew that she was tired and busy but he had hoped to get a moment of her time. Perhaps after the evening meal he would seek her out. She would most likely be alone in her quarters. He pushed away memories of the last time he was alone with her in her quarters. This time, he would retain control. He would not be a slave to simple lust.

His food remained mostly untouched and he resolved to wait another half hour before seeking her out. She was in good spirits, at least. Delighted was actually a better word. He took a moment to concentrate on her emotions. She was still tired and a little frustrated but her mood had lifted significantly. A sweet trickle of desire suddenly warmed her and Solas realized she must be with the Commander. 

Jealousy flooded him and he fought to control it. He should not feel that way. They could not be together and she had every right to be with someone else. Even as he worked to control his anger, his body responded to her spark of passion. She could feel the echo and her body warmed to it too. 

He had her full attention now. Whatever delight she had found in the company of the Commander was eclipsed by the swirl of frustration and desire that reflected between them. His mind was already full of images of her naked beneath him. His traitorous cock already hard and straining against his breeches. 

Ashara opened the door with so much force he was surprised the hinges didn’t break. She slammed it closed behind her and stalked into the room. Her posture was stiff and her face flushed. 

“What kind of game are you playing!” she demanded, her voice a dangerous growl.

“Game!” he barked back. He stood to face her. “I have been trying to give you respectful distance. You are the one trying to fuck the commander.”

His crude words shocked her but the storm inside her would not be quelled so easily. She took a step closer, her proximity both menacing and intoxicating. 

“You are the one who told me I should be fucking him instead of you.” she hissed. 

He stepped forward, his face almost touching her’s. “Always, you take my words and twist the meaning to suit you. You would be safer with someone else, but I have no desire to see you in the arms of another. This bond between us might consume us both but I no longer have the will to resist.”

The anger inside him was all but gone, only hunger remained. He held her gaze, her pupils wide and dark. They were so close now, his skin prickled. He could feel the swirl of indecision inside her finally smother under the fire of their shared passion. 

She lunged forward. Her kiss was desperate and hard. He responded in kind. Doubt, anger, jealousy - all burned away by the heat of her mouth on his. 

He broke the kiss and ripped open the clasps of her jacket, desperate to get his mouth on all of her. He kissed and licked down the column of her throat as his fingers pushed away her shirt. Finally, his hand found the full swell of her breast. He lavished the tight peak of it with his tongue then took it between his lips and sucked hard. At the same time he sent a pulse of magic into the edges of the valleslin that curved onto her chest. A bright spike of pleasure shot through her. The loud moan that passed through her lips took the shape of his name and her core clenched. His hard length throbbed in response.

She pushed him toward the bed. They removed clothing as they moved. He wanted to touch and taste every inch of her. The edge of the bed caught his knees and he sat down heavily. She climbed into his lap, straddling him. One hand cupped her ass as the other massaged her soft breasts. He took turns licking and sucking each side as she ground against his stiff length.

The last time he had let the swirling echo of sensation between them bring his end too quickly, tonight he would draw out their pleasure as long as he was able. 

He could feel she was already close. They shifted so that she was reclining and he was positioned at her entrance. She writhed and panted as he teased her, circling and rubbing but not thrusting in. 

“Solas please!” She gasped. 

Her legs circled his waist and she bucked her hips, desperate for more. He relented, entering her slowly, inch by inch. She was so wet and tight. When he was fully hilted, he stilled. 

“Tell me what you want Ashara.”

His words sent a thrill through her. 

“Fuck me!” she whispered. “I want to feel your hands, your mouth, your cock.” She held his gaze, her eyes dark and shining. “I want to come undone around you, I want you to spend inside me.” She was panting now. “Please.”

He started moving. Withdrawal and thrust. Hard and slow at first. With one hand, he toyed with the pearl at her apex, with the other, he pulsed magic into her valleslin. The waves of pleasure washed through her, through him. She moaned and gasped, meeting each thrust. She reached her peak quickly and the intense burst of pleasure almost took him as well. Instead he watched as she she clenched and arched. She was so beautiful. 

When she stilled, he began again. A slow rhythm. But she was no passive maiden. She could feel how close he was to the edge of his pleasure and fought to take control. With a feral grin, she twisted her hips and forced him over, switching their positions. He met the demanding pace she set and soon she was near her peak again. He was not ready to spend yet though, and he took the opportunity of her distraction to switch their positions again. 

He flipped her over and snapped her hips up. She moaned into the mattress and pressed her ass up to meet him. His hands moved across the smooth expanse of her back. Her skin tingled and the sensation set his skin aflame. 

He used his knees to push her legs wider. Hands on her hips, he entered her in one smooth motion. They gasped in unison. The pleasure an intense spike. It was his turn to set a demanding pace. The air filled with the obscene sound of slapping flesh and moans. He lost himself to the pleasure. The building pressure pushing them higher and higher. 

The wave hit them both suddenly. A bright burst of ecstasy that left them gasping and straining. For a moment Solas and Ashara no longer existed, only the intense, bright peak they shared. 

They collapsed together. Stars floated in Solas’s vision and his ears rang. The sensation finally receded as he caught his breath. Ashara snuggled into his chest. 

“That was..”

“fantastic!” she finished.

He chuckled and stroked her hair. There was much they needed to discuss but it could wait until the morning.

He entered the fade with the intent to find Ashara. She would be close. Perhaps she would be of a mind to continue their activities. There were things they could do here that would be impossible in the real world. 

His reverie was interrupted by a spirit. It was wisp really but it approached him with intent. It seemed agitated, like it wanted to tell him something. 

“Yes, you may speak. I mean you no harm.” His tone even and low in an attempt to calm the entity.

“In danger. Needs you.” it whispered.

“Who?” His mind reeled. Who could possibly send a wisp to him for aid?

“Wisdom.” it gasped and disappeared, its purpose done.

Solas awoke with a start. He must prepare to leave immediately. He began picking up the bits of clothing that had been tossed about the room. 

Ashara woke as he put on his boots. He could feel the fear well up inside her. 

“Leaving me again so soon?” she asked. She was trying to keep her voice even but she could not hide her feelings from him.

He took a breath and let it out slowly. “I need a favor.”

“You just have to ask.” she replied. 

“One of my oldest friends is in danger. It sent a messenger to find me while I slept.”

“It?” She was confused, concerned.

“My friend is a spirit of Wisdom. It is the entity I consulted about the spell that could help dissolve our bond.”

“All right, let’s go get your friend.” She smiled at him. 

Relief flooded through him. It felt good to have someone he could rely on, someone he could trust. This might all come to an end once the spell that joined them was broken, but he would enjoy her for as long as he could.


	10. Chapter 10

Ashara could feel the impatience rolling off of Solas in waves. His face was calm and impassive but he itched to be traveling. Of course, he was the one who insisted she settle any Inquisition business before they left. 

She called her advisors to let them know about the rescue mission. Once again, she told them only part of the truth, which seemed to be becoming a habit when Solas was involved. Lelianna and Cullen shared a sour expression and pointed glance. Josephine insisted they take at least two others from her inner circle. She picked Dorian and Bull. The journey would take a couple of days both ways even if they rode hard. Solas had mentioned needing to alter the spell to break their bond and Dorian was the only person she trusted to help. Bull, on the other hand, was the soul of discretion. He would help them save Solas’s spirit friend without hesitation if she asked. 

As the rest of the Inquisition headed the first bell for breakfast, she and her companions prepared to leave. Only Cullen came to see them off. 

“Please at least try to be safe.” he mumbled as he tightened the last pack on her saddle.

She bit her lip and looked down, afraid to meet his eyes. 

“Will you write me Ashara?” he asked as he stepped closer. She could feel the heat radiating off of him. 

“We will be moving quickly, I may not have time.” she whispered.

The words tasted like poison in her mouth. She glanced up. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were filled with hurt. She didn’t need a magical bond to feel his pain. 

“I’ll try, I promise.” She offered him a thin smile and his jaw relaxed a little.

She wanted to step forward, take him into her arms and kiss away his discomfort. Instead, she placed her foot in the stirrup and hefted herself into the saddle. 

“We’ll be back soon Commander. Hold the castle for me while I’m gone.” 

He waved as they turned their mounts and road out of the gate. 

No one spoke for the first few hours of their ride. They pushed their horses hard, only breaking for a short meal at noon then back to riding.

Solas’s mood was mixed. He was worried, impatient, and none too pleased about her interaction with the Commander but she could also feel him trying to calm himself. His face remained an impassive mask through it all. She had her own turmoil to deal with. Once again, she had walked away from Cullen and straight into Solas’s bed. It wasn’t fair to either of them but she did not want to choose. They were both so beautiful and different and perfect. The whole point of performing that stupid ritual had been to calm her infatuation and clear her mind. Instead, she was more consumed with carnal thoughts then ever. She watched Solas for a moment. His back straight, thighs gripping his saddle, it was easy to imagine him riding something else. She shook her head to clear it and he glanced over at her. At least she could provide some distraction for him.

Eventually, Bull and Dorian could not keep silent and they began to tease and bicker. She joined their conversation when prompted but any attempt to include Solas was met with a curt response and silence.

They kept going until they could no longer see the road. Everyone was tired as they set up camp. Dinner was eaten mostly in silence. To everyone’s surprise, Solas was the first to speak.

“Dorian,” he started. 

The mage looked up from his meal and arched a graceful brow in response. “Yes?”

Solas continued, “As you know, I have been researching ways to break the magical bond between the Inquisitor and I. There is a spell that could work.”

“Could work? That sounds dangerously uncertain.” Dorian prompted. 

“Indeed. The original spell was used by the ancient elvehn and required great power. Because of the nature of this magic, the two bonded people are the only ones who can be present during it’s invocation. I fear we will not be able to pull enough energy from the fade to make it work.”

“This sounds like a problem of proximity. If you are close to a very thin part of the vale…” Dorian leaned forward. He loved solving magical puzzles.

“My thoughts exactly.” Solas agreed. 

Both men paused a moment, considering solutions.

“A closed rift!” Ashara practically shouted in her excitement. The vale was very thin near the rifts but an open one would be too dangerous. Near a closed rift, they would be able to draw more energy directly from the fade.

“Perhaps.” Solas crossed his arms, considering.

“It would need to be in a safe area.” Dorian rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Dagna has been mapping the strength of the vale in the areas the Inquisition occupies. When we return to Skyhold, we can study the areas with closed rifts and find a suitable spot.”

Solas nodded once. “Yes, that could work. We may need to make some minor alterations to the spell. We will consult together once we return.” 

Ashara could feel the mixture of emotions in him, relief and trepidation in equal measure. The same feelings swirled through her. She wanted to be free of this connection, didn’t she?

As soon as they finished eating, everyone retired to their own tents. Ashara had considered offering to share with Solas but decided it would just complicate matters. She was too tired to do anything carnal anyway. 

She slipped easily into the fade. Solas was at her side immediately. He was angry and afraid about his friend, but, also there was the overwhelming heat of desire between them. It was intoxicating. A part of her knew it was wrong to submit, but reason washed away as soon as his lips touched her’s.

The echo of sensation mixed with the intensity of emotions in the fade was too much. It felt like she was drowning. She broke their kiss and pushed away to catch her breath. The forest around them glimmered with a surreal energy. A light at the fringe of her vision caught her eye. The vallaslin on her hand glowed a soft green. Every inch of her skin tingled and heat filled her. Solas felt it too. He was hungry, no, ravenous for her. She met his gaze. He looked at her with the dark fierceness of a predator. She wanted to bare her teeth and devour him too. 

He held himself back and waited for her to move. His muscles tense, his cock tight and straining. Now that they were bound, Ashara knew exactly how much he controlled his emotions. Always, he held himself back. She wanted to watch his careful focus shatter.

A smiled stretched her lips and she did not break eye contact as she slid to her knees. He licked his lips and watched. She ran her fingertips up his legs from his ankles to his hips. The touch left his senses on fire and her skin prickled in response. From this position, she could appreciate simple beauty of his lean frame. His muscles flexed and strained as he fought to keep still. And the length of him. Her mouth watered as she regarded the elegant curve of his cock.

He ached for her touch and she obliged. She ran her tongue from his base to tip then slid his length into her mouth slowly. A ragged moan took the shape of her name. Her cheeks hollowed as she sucked and pulled away. Without the distraction of his hands on her, she could feel his pleasure as if it were her own. 

She set a slow pace. Her tongue swirled over the sensitive length of him as she withdrew. His hips bucked to meet her. Fingers twined in her hair and she clutched his thighs. The pleasure he felt reflected in her own body. She opened her eyes. Solas’s gaze was black with desire. He growled at the sight of her. 

She could feel his control slipping. The hand in her hair and the snap of his hips urged her to quicken the pace. Each stroke was a wave of passion that pushed them both higher. His gasps and moans filled the space around them. She lost herself as she chased his pleasure. No longer separated into Ashara and Solas, only the velvet feel of her mouth and the bright spikes of sensation. 

The crash of their shared peak hit them both like a tidal wave. They felt it as one, clutching and straining. A moment of transcendent, overwhelming pleasure followed by blackness.

Ashara’s sense of self slowly crept back into her awareness. She was laying on the ground trying to catch her breath. This was the fade and her lover was gasping next to her. She considered sitting up for a moment but her limbs felt like lead. Solas chuckled beside her.

“You continue to surprise and delight me, lethallan.”

“I did not know that was going to be so…intense.” she huffed, but a smiled curved her lips. 

She could feel the warm affection radiating from him. His fingers found hers and intertwined. They lay like that a moment. Solas felt at peace for the first time since the news of his friend. 

The morning found her surprisingly rested. She couldn’t help grinning at Solas when she thought no one was looking. His anxiety and impatience had returned with the dawn but he managed to return her smile with affection.They had packed and mounted their horses before the sun had broken the horizon. Solas set another grueling pace. 

They reached the Inquisition encampment at the edge of the Emprise du Lion before noon. Ravens had reached the camp before them and fresh mounts waited as well as a note for the Inquisitor. If they rode hard into the night, they could reach Solas’s friend today. Ashara unfolded her letter as her companions moved gear unto the new horses. 

—

Dear Ashara,

There are so many times in my life when I have left things unsaid and regretted it. I will not let that happen between us. 

Since Adamant, I feel something has changed in your regard for me. I could not bear it if I have somehow damaged the friendship we have built. If, instead, the change I’ve sensed is because of your affection growing for another, please know that I will always be your friend. I can not promise that I will not be hurt but I will not abandon you or the Inquisition.

My only request is that you be sure whatever decision you make is based on what you want. You are a kind women who is quick to put aside your personal desires in deference to what someone else needs. This is one of the things that makes you an admirable leader and person. Just remember, your feelings are as important and valid as everyone else’s. Do not lose yourself to make someone else happy. You are worthy of happiness too.

Yours, always,  
Cullen

__

 

Bull and Dorian broke the silence of their journey with the occasional quip or argument. Mostly, they all knew a fight likely waited at the end of this ride and conserved what energy they could. 

Solas’s anxiety grew the closer they got to Exalted Plains and his emotions put her on edge too. The words from Cullen’s letter played over and over in her mind. Was she losing herself? She remembered the moment with Solas in the fade where she had truly felt like they had transcended self. In the moment, it had been wonderful. Now, she wasn’t so sure. For the first time, she wondered if their connection was dangerous. If the ritual was meant to bind slave to master, did that mean her will would be subjugated by his? She had no wish to be a slave, even if her chains were wrought of pleasure.

The night was clear and the moon afforded enough light so their horses didn’t lose their footing. Solas was the first to crest the hill. The glare of the summoning circle drew his eyes.

“There!” he yelled, spurring his horse into a gallop toward it.

Ashara followed close behind, Dorian and Bull on her heels. Solas’s anger grew as they got closer. She peered into the circle, trying to see his friend but no spirit resided at the center. Instead, a massive pride demon shuddered and growled, barely contained. A small group of circle mages surrounded it. 

They dismounted a short distance from the enchanted area.

“My friend!” Solas gasped. 

His anger, the circle, Ashara could guess what happened.

“These mages turned your friend into a demon.” Her statement was as much for Dorian and Bull as to confirm what happened. 

“I thought we were here to rescue a spirit of wisdom, Boss” Bull’s voice was calm but he was already gripping his great ax and his eyes were fixed on the demon.

“A spirit becomes a demon when it’s denied it’s original purpose.” Solas growled. 

A mage broke away from the circle to meet them. His skin was pale and his eyes had dark smudges underneath them as if he had been awake far too long. 

“You’re not with the bandits!” he gasped. Relief evident on his face. “Do you have any lyrium potions? Most of us are exhausted, we’ve been fighting that demon.”

“You summoned that demon, except it was a spirit of wisdom at the time!” Solas barked. “You made it kill. You twisted it against it’s purpose.”

“I…I understand how it might be confusing,” the mage sputtered

“Shut. Up.” Solas’s voice was cold and dangerous.

He turned to Ashara.

“The summoning circle. If we break that, we break the binding. No orders to kill. No conflict with its nature. No demon.”

“What?” the mage interrupted, “The binding is the only thing keeping the demon from killing us!”

Ashara turned away from the man and addressed Bull and Dorian instead. 

“I’ve seen rituals like this before. If we can take down the pillar at the edge, that should disrupt it.” 

The two men nodded and readied their weapons. She turned to Solas next.

“Can you distract it while we work?” 

He nodded once. 

The battle was quick and true to Solas’s word, the demon transformed into a spirit as soon as the binding was broken. He leaned down and spoke a few words with it before dispeling the spirit for good. She could feel the acute pain of his loss like a knife in her chest.

“I’m so sorry” she whispered. She wanted to take him into her arms and soothe him but they were not done yet.

The mages approached them again. Solas’s sorrow and pain turned to white hot anger. It filled Ashara. Every muscle in her body was tense with the effort it took not to punch the man’s smug face.

“Thank you!” the mage huffed as they neared. “We would not have risked the summoning, but the roads are too dangerous to travel unprotected.”

Solas rounded on him. 

“You tortured and killed my friend.” he growled.

“We didn’t know…” the man sputtered as he backed away.

“Burn them.” Solas’s voice was soft, barely a whisper, but Ashara obeyed the command without a thought.

The three remaining mages erupted in columns of fire as hot as the rage that filled her. The corner of her mouth twisted into a feral snarl as they screamed. They would burn, but they would not die. Not until they suffered.

“Ashara! Stop!”

Dorian’s voice was like a slap to her face. Three smoking corpses collapsed into piles of ash. What had she done? The screams still echoed in her ears. She had killed before but never with such cruelty. She had wanted them to suffer. 

She looked at Solas but he did not meet her gaze. His face was smooth and impassive but she could still feel the anger and sorrow swirling within him.

“Damn them all” he cursed.

The smell of burnt flesh made her stomach roll. This was not she wanted. The rage and loss in him had echoed between them just the same as passion had. For the first time since the ritual had bound them, Ashara was afraid of Solas. She did not trust herself around him. Would she follow any command he made? She had murdered those people without a thought and enjoyed doing it. Cullen was right, she was losing herself and hadn’t even realized.

“Solas, I think its best if we do not travel back together.”

“Of course, Inquisitor.” 

He mounted his horse and road away without looking back at her once. Tears fell down her face as she watched him go.


	11. Chapter 11

Cullen threw the bundle of reports on his desk with more force than necessary and the loose pages scattered. The throbbing in his head made it so hard to focus. He rubbed the back of his neck in an attempt to ease the tension but found no relief. Looking down at the messy riot of reports and requisitions, Cullen sighed. It had been five days since Ashara left and she had sent no word. She had made her decision and he must abide. 

Was it any great surprise that she had changed her mind about him? She was gentle and kind. He was a monster. His hands would never be clean of the blood of the mages in Kirkwall. How many people died because he didn’t want to see mages as people? How many innocent people suffered because he blamed them for what happened at Kinloch Hold? What if Ashara had been at the Gallows? She would not have been cowed easily. Would they have taken the brand to her and made her tranquil? Would he have even thought to stop them? Nausea rolled through him and he broke out into a sweat. 

A sharp knock at his door brought his thoughts back to focus. One of the new recruits brought him an updated list of something or another. The words blurred on the page. He dismissed the woman and sat down heavily at his desk. He knew quitting lyrium wouldn’t be easy but it had been months. Would he be this useless hollow wreck forever? There was no way he’d be able to work. He must let Cassandra know. The Inquisition had made a mistake appointing him Commander. 

The pain in his head made it hard to keep his purpose in mind but he managed to find Cassandra at the forge. 

“A moment of your time Seeker.” His voice was weak and uneven.

“Of course Commander…are you well?” She sounded formal but there was concern in her eyes.

“I am not.” He replied. “I am no longer fit for duty.”

“We had both agreed that I would be the judge of that. Now explain yourself.” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited.

“The symptoms of withdrawal, I thought it would get better. The headaches, the nightmares. I can’t sleep. I can’t think!” His voice held an edge of panic. “Please Cassandra, I am no use to the Inquisition like this. You should find someone to replace me as Commander.”

She peered at him, appraising him. After a moment, she nodded her head once. “You need a day to recuperate. That is all. I do not see any reason to relieve you of duty.”

“What?” he sputtered. “I am falling apart. I am no good the the Inquisition - to anyone - like this. You need to replace me.”

Her eyes narrowed and she straightened her shoulders. 

“You asked for my opinion and I’ve given it. Why would you expect it to change?” The tone of her voice held the edge of someone not used to being second guessed. 

“I expect you to keep your word!” he growled. “Its relentless. I can’t…”

“You give yourself too little credit” she interrupted, her voice softening.

“If I am unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this.” he pleaded. “Would you rather save face than admit…” His anger evaporated as the Ashara walked in. 

She opened her mouth to say something, her eyes soft and warm, but her pity was too much to bear. Suddenly, his face felt numb. His heart rate jumped wildly and dark spots danced at the edges of his vision. He needed to leave.

“Forgive me.” he whispered as he brushed past her.

“And people say I’m stubborn.” Cassandra called after him. “This is ridiculous.”

He stepped through the doorway into an empty room. The racing of his heart made him gasp for air. If he could only have a moment to catch his breath. He leaned against the wall out of view of the women in the other room. As he tried to calm his pulse, his thoughts swirled. Why was Ashara here? Perhaps it was best she finally saw what a retched failure he was. She would realize that he could not continue as Commander. Perhaps it was time to start taking lyrium again. Then he could be the man she needed to lead her armies. He was willing to sacrifice everything for the templars, why not the Inquisition?

“Cullen told you that he’s no longer taking lyrium?” Cassandra started. 

He had not meant to eavesdrop but he could hear them clearly.

“Yes, he trusted your judgement on the matter.” Ashara’s rich voice made his chest ache.

Cassandra sighed, “He was not interested in my judgement today. Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him. I refused. It’s not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him, he’s come so far.”

His friend’s assessment was not wrong. If he no longer had the Inquisition, he would have nothing.

“Why didn’t he come to me?” Ashara’s question was colored with sadness.

“We had an agreement long before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the danger, and, he wouldn’t want to risk your disappointment.”

“Disappointment?” Ashara whispered.

“What are your intentions with the Commander?” Cassandra’s tone was hard. 

The question made Cullen freeze. Did he want to hear the answer? 

“I…I’m not sure…oh Cassandra, I’ve made a mess of things and I don’t know how to fix it.”

The pain in Ashara’s voice, the pity that would follow. It made him sick. His breathing had calmed but his legs still felt shaky. It was enough to get him back to his tower. 

——-

Cullen peered down at the old wooden box and opened it. The faint blue glow of a templar’s leash stared back at him. If he just picked up the filter and drank it, he could be the man the Inquisition needed but would he ever be able to stop again?

Frustration and anger bubbled up inside him. He growled as he picked up the wretched box and flung it against the wall with all his strength. The kit shattered against the door frame, just missing Ashara as she walked through.

“Maker’s Breath! I didn’t hear you enter. I-“ Cullen sputtered. “Forgive me.” He looked down, unwilling to see the pity in her gaze.

“Cullen, if you need to talk…” 

“You don’t have to…” A wave of dizziness and nausea over took him. He grabbed the edge of his desk to keep from falling. 

Ashara stepped closer but he held his arm out, motioning for her to stay back.

“I never meant for this to interfere” he whispered.

“Are you going to be all right?” she asked. 

“Yes…I don’t know.” 

He paused a moment. She needed to know. He was never worthy of her, or anyone really. He walked to the small window in his office and leaned against the sill. The confession at his lips.

“You asked what happened th Ferelden’s Circle. It was taken over by abominations. The templars - my friends - were slaughtered. I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I…” 

He made a sound then, like laughter but devoid of humor. 

“How can you be the same person after that? Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”

“Of course I can. I…” she stuttered. 

He didn’t deserve the warmth in her voice. He was a fool to think she could ever truly care for a broken thing like him. Only the Inquisition mattered and he was failing his duty to that as well. 

“Don’t! You should be questioning what I’ve done.” his voice cracked as he spoke. “I thought this would be better - that I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t leave me.” 

All of the frustration and anger bubbled up inside him. He paced around the room. 

“How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause…I will not give less to the inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!” he hissed. 

His anger flared and he punched the bookcase, rattling the tomes held within. The anger drained out of him then.

“I should be taking it.” he repeated in a whisper.

“Is that what you want?” she asked, her voice hollow.

He exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “No.” He finally looked up and met her gaze. “But…these memories have always haunted me - if they become worse, if I cannot endure this…”

“You can.” she breathed. 

Cullen sighed. Even if she didn’t love him, she still believed in him. “All right.”

She stepped closer and placed her hand on his arm. Her touch, the soft concern in her eyes, it was too much. He pulled away and walked to his desk. 

“What I said in my letter, I meant it.” He spoke with his back to her. “I will not abandon the Inquisition as long as I am able to serve.”

“That letter is why I was hoping to talk to you.” she explained. 

“Please, I don’t think…can we save this conversation for another day?” he interrupted. At least he could delay the breaking of his heart.

“Oh, of course.” she mumbled as she left the room.

Tears he didn’t realize he was holding in began to stream down his face.

 

—-

 

The morning found him feeling better. His nerves still felt a little like broken glass but the pain in his head was almost gone and the dark thoughts that threatened to drown him the day before had receded.

Cullen stood on the battlements and enjoyed the play of colors as the sun crested the mountains. The cold air made his face flush and his lungs tingle. He could hear the footsteps behind him and was unsurprised to see Ashara walking towards him. 

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday,” he started. 

“There’s no need,” she replied. A tight smile played at the edges of her mouth and just as quickly faded. “Is it always that bad?”

“The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I’m back there. I should not have pushed myself so hard.” he acknowledged. 

Her gaze was warm with concern. He turned back toward the mountains and summoned what courage he could.

“You mentioned my letter yesterday. I’m guessing you came to a decision regarding our…relationship? Friendship? I guess it doesn’t really matter what we call it.” His voice was calm but he felt as if a heavy weight was laying on his chest.

“That’s right.” she answered softly.

“Its for the best. You have a lot more in common with Solas. Besides, as you saw yesterday, I’m not the most stable man in Thedas.” The words were meant to sound light but failed miserably.

“You’re not talking to the most stable woman in Thedas either.” she snorted. 

She leaned against the wall beside him and began to speak.

“I haven’t been fair to either of you. I see that now. The spell that Solas and I are under binds us in ways I can’t understand. It was an old elven ritual that bound slaves to their masters. I feel his emotions as if they were my own. At first, it seemed so amazing, so sensuous. I didn’t see the danger.” As she spoke her voice took on an edge of sadness.

“What do you mean, danger? Did something happen?” Cullen turned toward her. 

“You were right about everything. I lose myself around him. Whatever he wants, I will do it. His will overrides mine. I killed people, Cullen. He commanded me to burn them and I did it without a second thought. I enjoyed it.” she hissed. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

“Is he hurting you? I’ll…” 

She interrupted him before he could finish. “No. He has no more control over this than I do.” 

Her gaze fell down to her hands and she continued. “This was all my fault. Solas is a good man. He is trying to find a way to reverse this, trying to stay away from me. I keep making it worse.”

She looked back up into his eyes. “I’ve made things worse between us too. I want you so much, I didn’t stop to think how I could hurt you. I was stupid and cruel. Can you ever forgive me?”

It took a moment for his brain to process what she was asking. “You want my forgiveness because you hurt me?”

“Yes.” she pleaded.

“But you still want to be with me, you still care for me?” he stepped closer as he spoke.

“Creators, yes!” she answered.

His heart felt lighter than it had in days. They were so close now, they were practically touching. He tipped her chin up and kissed her. It was a soft thing, full of promise. Her arm circled him and pulled him closer. The pad of his thumb stroked her cheek. It was wet as the tears she had held back finally fell. The kiss ended and they stood for a moment enjoying being in each other’s arms.

“How close are you to having a cure?” he asked as he absently stroked her hair.

“I’m hoping we can try within the week.” she replied.

“Thank the Maker.” he smiled and pulled her closer.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” She pulled away slightly and looked up into his eyes.

“I didn’t say that…” he smirked. 

For a moment she looked stricken, but he smiled down at her and she smiled back. He kissed her again, this time with a little more passion. His hands fisting her hair as she moaned into his mouth. 

For the first time in days, his thoughts were quiet and he felt at peace.


End file.
